Oh My Evangelion!
by sentinel28
Summary: Belldandy, Keiichi and company end their misadventure in Tokyo3.  Belldandy's last stand shown! Gendo's wish to Urd revealed! Asuka embraces death! Shinji gets lucky! In that he lives, you perverts. The final chapter is here! R&R!
1. Another Fine Mess Washu's Gotten Us Into

**__**

OH MY EVANGELION!

A Twisted and Evil Production of Stormwind Graphics 

Ruthlessly Parodying "Oh My Goddess! (Ah Megami-sama!)" by Kosuke Fujishima

And "Neon Genesis Evangelion" by Hideki Anno

Written With a Flourish by Benjamin B. Donnelly

DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Oh My Goddess" or "Neon Genesis Evangelion" (I couldn't own what I don't understand); those belong to Kodansha and Gainax and other respective creators. Nor do I own "Tenchi Muyo!" as that series belongs lock, stock, and two smoking barrels to Pioneer. Which is too bad, because if I were in charge, Tenchi would be choosing Ryoko. Sorry, Ayeka fans, but Ryoko is a much better choice. I mean, why would anyone want to marry a conniving, psychotic, underhanded…I digress. Knowing that most otaku are more detail oriented than Congressional staffers, I humbly beg forgiveness for any factual errors that may be in this. Relax, don't do it.

It was a pleasant fall evening at the old temple. Keiichi Morisato sat on the veranda, sipping a mug of green tea, leaning against one of the posts. The sun sank slowly behind the distant mountains, casting long shadows across the city and the temple. Birds chirped quietly, providing a wonderful undertone to the entire scene.

What made it best, in Keiichi's opinion, was the warm body next to him. Belldandy leaned against his shoulder, and Keiichi put an arm around her, enjoying the sweet smell of her grayish hair. They had been together for months now, and Keiichi was more comfortable with having her this close to him, unlike in the days immediately after her arrival, when it had taken an act of courage to simply embrace her. Now even a kiss was an easy task, though, Keiichi was happy to say, never routine. Keiichi had been tempted to take their relationship to the next level, but was still a bit too shy for that. There were certain barriers, after all—he was a mortal human, Belldandy was an immortal demigoddess, for one. For now, Keiichi was content just for having her close to him.

"Keiichi-chan," Belldandy murmured, "do you know what would make this sunset even better?"

"What's that, Bell-chan?"

"Watermelon. I picked up some in the market today; would you like a slice?"

"I'd love one, Bell-chan."

She gave him a peck on the cheek. "I'll be right back."

Not realizing what a setup that statement was for disaster, Belldandy got up and walked into the house, sliding the shoji panel door shut behind her. The house was fairly quiet tonight, as Skuld was busy in the garage working on yet another one of her projects. Urd, for her part, was immersed in American-rules football, her latest obsession. Belldandy briefly listened as Urd screamed horrible curse words in several languages—loosely translated, Urd was highly disappointed at the referees, who were obviously visually impaired, of dubious antecedence and conjectural progeny. Belldandy smiled; Urd would never change. She decided to get a piece of watermelon for her sisters as well as she walked towards the kitchen.

* * *

In another universe, though still in the nation of Japan (strange, that so many weird occurrences happen there), another house was also enjoying a quiet autumn evening. Unlike the Morisato residence, this house was much newer and located deep in the mountains of southern Honshu. There were some resemblances, however, in that one male resident of the house had found himself surrounded by incredibly beautiful females, of which one was a prepubescent.

Keiichi Morisato had Belldandy: though Urd and Skuld had on occasion accidentally and purposely came between the two, neither sister wished Keiichi or Belldandy ill, and neither wanted Keiichi. Tenchi Masaki, on the other hand, would have cheerfully killed for such a situation. His polite demeanor had landed him square in the middle of a romantic war between Ryoko, space pirate extraordinaire, and Ayeka, Princess of Jurai. Both women wanted him, both women loved him, and the only other thing they could agree on was that the other would eventually have to leave or die screaming.

Tonight, however, the Masaki residence was absent its usual level of violence, which tended to make Tenchi's life a bizarre combination of a soap opera and the beach landing scene from _Saving Private Ryan._ Ryoko and Ayeka had achieved a shaky ceasefire that would have won Tenchi a Nobel Peace Prize, had that august committee known about it, so he was able to get some studying done. Exams were not all that far off, and he had to hit the books. He waved a greeting to Sasami, the young Juraian girl who served as cook, maid, and general peacekeeper, and his grandfather Yosho; both were studiously at work on a game of shogi. Tenchi came down the stairs and headed towards his kitchen for a quick snack, when he saw a small flash of light from under the door of the storage closet. He froze for a moment, waiting for a shockwave, but none came. Apparently, Washu the Mad was not playing around with something terribly explosive tonight.

Tenchi briefly paused outside the door. Nonwithstanding her penchant for building weapons of mass destruction that Saddam Hussein would have salivated openly at, Washu was indeed the genius she boasted to be. Tenchi was stuck fast on a math problem; what better person to talk to than Washu? He overcame his fears—which were justified, since Washu seemed bent on "extracting samples" from him—and walked into the storage closet.

It was no longer that, of course. Washu had long ago converted it to a pocket dimension where she could invent and work in private. After a quick look around, to make sure no nefarious devices awaited him, Tenchi stepped inside. Ahead, on a raised dais, he could see Washu. Short but remarkably cute, for being nearly twenty thousand years old, Washu was intently welding on some sort of ball. With a brief pang of fear in his stomach, Tenchi recognized it as being the control sphere for Washu's temporal travel device—the infamous Time-Space Machine. The last time it had been used—abused was the more proper term—it had sent Tenchi, his father and grandfather, and the rest of his newly-acquired retinue into a series of adventures, most of which had revolved around Tenchi being fought over by Ryoko and Ayeka. To make matters worse, Tenchi noticed that the control leads were hooked up to the sphere, meaning it was active. 

"Hello, Tenchi," Washu said in her nasal voice, without looking up. 

"Er…hi, Washu," Tenchi whispered, afraid to distract her for a moment.

"What do you need?" Washu stopped welding for a moment.

"I'm a bit stumped on a math problem, and I was wondering if you—"

"I'll be right with you. Just doing some spot welds on the old Time-Space Machine." She must have sensed Tenchi's uneasiness, for she added, "Not to worry; I've installed safeguards since the last time." She started welding again. "Give me a few moments and don't distract me, okay?"

Tenchi nodded. He stood in place; he had learned from painful experience that it was a poor idea to lean against anything in Washu's laboratory. He contented himself in looking around, having learned, again from painful experience, that it was an exceedingly dangerous thing to distract Washu, especially when she was working on delicate equipment.

Unfortunately, despite plenty of painful experiences on her part, Ryoko had yet to learn either lesson. Seeing Tenchi standing in the open doorway to Washu's lab, she could not resist the sudden urge to grab him. Whether it was because Ryoko genuinely loved Tenchi, latent catlike stalking instincts, or just a desire to glomp something, she grinned savagely and faded from sight. Silently, she crept up behind an oblivious Tenchi, reached forward, and grabbed him, wrapping her legs around his and sticking her tongue in his ear.

Rarely do disasters happen in a vaccuum: nearly every one is the end result of a chain of events usually involving human (or alien, in this case) error, miscalculation, and occasionally sheer stupidity. Ryoko's actions counted as all three. Tenchi, not expecting a pair of breasts being thrust into his back and a tongue stuck in his ear with the ferocity of a Polish lancer on a British infantryman, yelped. The sudden noise caused Washu to jump. To her credit, she dropped neither the welder nor the sphere, but the welder scored a long mark across the sphere's surface.

"Ryoko!" Tenchi yelled. "Don't _do_ that!"

"Oh, did I scare my little Tenchi?" Ryoko cooed. "I'm sorry. You can spank me later, if you like."

"HEY!" Washu shouted. "You two idiots nearly made me ruin this thing!" She inspected the damage. "Well, lucky for you I was able to compensate with my matchless reflexes." Washu looked at the sphere, then sighed. "Oh, well, I was getting bored anyway. Might as well look at that problem, Tenchi."

"And what problem is that, Tenchi?" Ryoko purred, moving her legs suggestively up Tenchi's. Ayeka was in town with Kiyone doing a little shopping, and Ryoko was going to take advantage of the moment.

Washu chewed her lip in thought for a moment, then pointed at Ryoko. "Ryoko?"

Ryoko instantly noticed the look in Washu's eyes, and stepped away from Tenchi. "Y-yes…mommy?" She said it contritely, hoping her acknowledgement of her parent would deflect Washu from turning her into a water sprite again. 

"Bang." Ryoko disappeared, only to reappear over the nearby lake, where she promptly fell in. Ryoko's blistering oaths could be heard in the surrounding countryside and most likely Tokyo, where several dozen anime characters looked up, wondering what disaster was going to befall them now. But since this story was already pushing the limits of crossovers, nothing happened. Washu led Tenchi out of her lab. Behind her, the sphere lay dormant.

Except for the tinest of sparks.

* * *

Belldandy thought she heard something on the wind, but dismissed it as Urd once more complaining about the inefficiency of the American school system and its effect on fatherless professional football players. As she neared the kitchen, she walked past a mirror.

Washu's machine effected dimensional travel as well as time, and the sudden spark had briefly closed a circuit, activating it. This sent out a signal that touched off Belldandy's means of extradimensional travel, that is, through mirrors. How this was possible was unknown, but it was science fact, and the readers should really just relax. The end result was Belldandy suddenly wrenched off her feet and pulled through the mirror.

The suddenness of the event kept Belldandy from being able to resist, but, with a last effort borne from her love for Keiichi, she grabbed either side of the mirror.

"KEIICHI!" she screamed, before she was pulled in and disappeared.

Outside, Keiichi was on his feet and through the door before he realized what he was doing. "Belldandy?" He looked around. "BELLDANDY?"

Behind him, the tea cup had smashed on the ground.

* * *

Dr. Ritsuko Akagi was bored. She would not have admitted it under torture, but it was true. She leaned back in her chair, keeping her expression that of concentrated interest, resisting the urge to yawn.

There were times that she wondered if Commander Gendo Ikari ordered synchronization tests to give the staff at NERV something to do. Of course, the sync tests were useful, allowing NERV to run diagnostics on the delicate biomechanical systems that ran the EVA suits, as well as keep a running tabulation of the abilities of the suits' pilots. For those reasons, Ritsuko never ignored a request for a sync test. Still, she wondered if it was merely to fill in the time between Angel attacks.

"EVA-00, synch rate at 160 percent. EVA-01, synch rate at 110 percent. EVA-02, synch rate at 125 percent." Ritsuko noticed that Maya Ibuki sounded just as bored as she felt. Ritsuko glanced at the monitor in front of her—what the techs called the "big board" when they thought Ritsuko wasn't in earshot. Nothing surprising there: Rei Ayanami, as usual, got into synchronization with her machine much quicker than the other two, Shinji Ikari and Asuka Soryu. And as usual, Asuka was just above Shinji. Ritsuko checked her watch. Another ten minutes to go. A debrief, some dinner, and then she could clear out some paperwork. Once that was done, she could return to her apartment and engage in her true passion. She swore to herself that, tonight, she would beat the Zentraedi Quadrono and advance to the next level. She hoped Gendo did not want her to stay on after the debrief; she could feel the stirrings of a headache behind her eyes.

Ritsuko was just composing an excuse when suddenly, it seemed, every alarm NERV possessed went off. Ritsuko was instantly on her feet and glancing at the monitors, looking for the problem. The three primary techs—Maya, Shigeru Aoba, and Mahato Hyuga—were also up and moving, training and hard-won experience shifting the control center into instant action. Behind them, there was a clatter, a startled yelp, and a crash of upholstery, followed by a particularly vile Japanese curse. Ritsuko smiled thinly: Misato Katsuragi had woken up.

"What the hell—" Misato expostulated.

Ritsuko ignored her. "Is it the EVAs?" 

"That's a negative, ma'am." Mahato's fingers flew across his keyboard. "Blue signature alert—we've got an Angel on our hands, Dr. Akagi."

"Contact Commander Ikari immediately and notify Tokyo-3 JSSDF command. Where is it?"

"Trying to fix it now."

Ritsuko nodded. Misato, next to her, had grabbed a headset. "EVA pilots, we're interrupting the sync test—looks like we have an Angel on its way here. Stand by to deploy. Check in," Misato ordered.

"EVA-00 is ready," Rei replied flatly, as always. Misato was actually thankful for that; if Rei ever sounded rattled, it probably would signify Third Impact.

"EVA-01, ready," Shinji said, his voice slightly quavering. 

"EVA-02, ready…ready to kick some ass!" Asuka was in her usual fine form.

"Okay. We're moving you to launch positions."

"What are we facing?" Rei asked.

"Ah, who cares, Wondergirl! A target is a target!" Asuka laughed maniacally.

"Stand by, EVAs. We're still getting that information." Misato looked over at Mahato, who shook his head.

"Shigeru, let's lower the Geofront now," Ritsuko said, her hands on his shoulder and Maya's. "Maya, where is Commander Ikari?"

Kazuo Futsuyuki walked quickly into Gendo Ikari's office. "Commander?" Futsuyuki stopped, surprised. Gendo was straightening his tunic and his glasses, standing next to an overturned chair. "Sir, were you asleep?"

"Of course not," Gendo snapped. "My chair slipped out from under me…maintenance will have to look at that. It's apparently broken, unless someone loosened the screws."

Futsuyuki seriously doubted that, mainly because he had thought he heard snoring coming from Gendo's office just before the alarms went off. "Commander, we have a possible Angel attack underway. Central Dogma is still trying to pinpoint where and what it is."

Gendo stopped adjusting his shirt. "An Angel attack, you say?"

"Yes, sir."

Gendo quickly set his chair back on its wheels and tapped some commands into his computer. "That's impossible, Futsuyuki. The timing is completely wrong."

Futsuyuki shrugged. "I call them as I see them, sir."

Gendo spoke into a microphone as he leaned over his desk. "Akagi. What is going on down there?"

__

Finally, Ritsuko thought. _You'd think he was asleep or something._ "Commander, we have a blue signature reading. We haven't been able to pinpoint exactly where yet—"

"Got it!" Mahato exclaimed. "It's already down, on land."

"EVAs, launch!" Misato shouted. 

"EVA-00, launching." 

"EVA-01, launching!"

"EVA-02—elevator to heaven, _going uuuup!"_

"Shigeru, get the buildings down, _now!_" Ritsuko snapped.

"Not much point to that," Mahato said.

"What?"

He pointed to a map on his screen. "According to MAGI, the Angel is already _in_ Tokyo-3."

__

"What?" Ritsuko, Misato, and Gendo said simutaneously, which was an extremely strange sound. 

"I can't pinpoint it, exactly," Mahato explained, "but it's definitely inside the city. The signal's weird, but it's an Angel, no doubt. I can't get a good fix on it…"

"What can you give us?" Gendo said, icily calm.

"Not much, Commander. MAGI keeps losing the signal. I can pinpoint it into an eight block radius, and that's it for now."

Misato looked at the map. The orange, blue, and red dots that represented the three EVA suits showed them on the surface. "EVAs, the coordinates to the Angel are in your tactical displays. Form up into combat formation, collect weapons, and surround the sector. Watch your spacing and don't get spread too thin. You hear me, Asuka?"

"Yeah, yeah," Asuka said, ignoring Misato as she reached into one of the false buildings in Tokyo-3's skyline. She brought out a gigantic assault rifle, capable of firing hypervelocity gauss slugs. Her eyes lit up like a demented child opening a Christmas present. "Ja, I've been a very good girl this year!" Asuka laughed. "Oh, YEAH! Come to Asuka!"

Shinji had collected his positron rifle, and winced as Asuka yelled into the open channel. "This is like a bad episode of Gekiganger," he mused. He sighed as EVA-01 hefted the rifle. He looked around, turning in a complete circle, EVA-01 resembling a horribly deformed ballerina. "I can't see the Angel," he told NERV.

"It's there," Misato replied. "It might be invisible."

"Not again," Shinji groaned. He was still recovering from the last invisible Angel. "Rei, do you have a visual?"

"Negative."

Shinji took a deep breath. "Musn't run away," he told himself for the thousandth time. He was scared, but he didn't want Rei or Asuka getting hurt. Asuka would never let him forget it, and Rei had already done her impression of a pin cushion once too often. "I'll take point," he said.

"_I'll_ take point," Asuka insisted.

"No, it's okay, I'll take point—"

Asuka brought EVA-02's left foot down on EVA-01's. Shinji screamed in sympathetic pain, and 01 began dancing around on one foot. "I'VE GOT POINT, DUMMKOPF!"

Gendo Ikari, hands folded in front of him, looked at the projected outside view and sighed. "There are times, Futsuyuki, I can understand why the Angels want to wipe out humanity." He glanced over at the old professor. "Was that a smile I detected?"

"No, Commander," Futsuyuki lied.

"01, 02, quit screwing around!" Misato yelled.

Meanwhile, Rei had taken point and was moving towards the target zone. "I still have no visual acquisition," she reported. She stopped, checking her spacing, and looked back at her two compatriots. EVA-02 was moving easily into position, mimicking Asuka's swagger, while EVA-01 was limping along. What was that she had seen on the television the other night? Oh, yes, now she remembered the phrase. 

"Idiots," Rei said.

"EVAs, we've got a better fix on the Angel. The Angel is apparently much smaller than the ones you've encountered before," Ritsuko said. "It may even be human sized. Still, it should look much different, so please, identify your target before you open fire." The latter was for Asuka's benefit; the last thing NERV needed was for the fiery German to begin opening fire on everything that moved.

The EVAs moved into position around the target zone. Except for the warbling of alarms, it was quiet—luckily, most of the civilians had already gotten to the shelters. They had lots of practice doing so, after all. 

Misato consulted the display on the big board. Shinji was on the western end of the zone, with Asuka on the east. If things went according to plan, they would converge from either end, flushing the Angel into the open. Rei waited on a hill north of the zone, ready to shoot. Central Dogma was silent, waiting for the command.

Inside EVA-00, Rei aimed down the barrel of her positron rifle. Her face betrayed no emotion, though inside, she was wondering why it always came down to blasting the Angel. NERV had never really tried talking to one. Rei found herself curious about the things she had to fight. She said nothing, merely waited.

Inside EVA-01, Shinji tried to steady himself. He hated Angels, but he hated Angels he could not see most of all. "Musn't run away, I don't suck," he chanted to himself. "Mustn't run away, I don't suck."

Inside EVA-02, Asuka was grinning, humming Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" to herself. _I love the smell of LCL in the morning,_ she thought to herself.

Misato took a deep breath. "EVA-01, 02, move in! 00, stay in overwatch!"

The two EVAs began stomping forward, sweeping their guns, looking for anything suspicious.

"Major Katsuragi," Mahato reported, "I think I've got the signal pinpointed for sure. The Angel is definitely human-sized."

"Great," Misato groused. "Well, at least there won't be a big mess to clean up. Where is it?"

Mahato smiled. "Here's a switch. I can give you an address."

"NERV is going to be paying someone's insurance," Misato said. "What is it?"

Mahato read the address. "EVA-02, the Angel is at this address," Ritsuko said, then repeated Mahato's words. "Prepare to open fire; let's not take chances—"

"Like HELL you'll open fire!" Misato shouted, her face pale.

Ritsuko whirled to face her. "What are you talking about, Major, this is an emergency—"

Misato grabbed Ritsuko's lab coat. "That's MY frigging address, Ritsuko! The damn Angel is in my apartment!"

Upstairs, Gendo had been quickly jotting down notes on a scratchpad for further study later. He paused, then wrote quickly, _Yebisu beer—secret weapon for luring Angels?_

Belldandy groaned as her eyelids fluttered open. Everything was white at first, but gradually her eyes focused, and she found herself staring at an unfamiliar ceiling. She was lying on something soft, and she realized that it was a rather comfortable bed. "Keiichi?" she murmured. There was no response. Slowly, Belldandy looked around. It was a small bedroom, kept rather neat, although a bit on the spartan side. 

She swung her feet over the bed and shakily stood up, taking stock. She was alive, and she was in one piece. On the other hand, she had lost the connection to Keiichi and her sisters, which was theoretically impossible. She had a contract with Keiichi, which only the Almighty could break, so she should not be feeling apart from him, even if Keiichi had been on the other side of the world. She also loved Keiichi, so there should be that link as well.

That left only one option. Belldandy was no longer in the same dimension as Keiichi. The thought brought tears to her eyes. She fought down the urge to completely break down. "No," she said quietly to herself. "I am alive, and Keiichi is alive, somewhere. There must be a way to get back." Suddenly a thought came to her. "Of course! No matter what dimension I am in, there must be a way to contact the Goddess Help Line." 

It was an apartment, and the few books in the room had kanji characters on them, so Belldandy reasoned that she was still in this world's Japan, and at least post-1900. She picked up a Walkman, and smiled; she knew she was in an era at least post-1980. The 1980s was not her favorite decade, though the music was good. Most importantly, there had to be phones, possibly even modems and faxes. All three she could use to contact Yggdrasil, and get herself back to Keiichi.

Belldandy walked out of the bedroom into a common area. Her nose wrinkled at the smell of beer. She had made the mistake of drinking only once, and the results had taken some doing to clear up. She looked around and spotted a phone. "Ah!" she exclaimed happily. "Touch tone. Perfect."

"Wark?" was the response she got.

Belldandy turned around and saw a penguin looking at her, the look of shock on its face obvious. She knelt, and the penguin waddled backwards. "Don't run away," Belldandy soothed. "I won't hurt you."

"Wark?"

Belldandy slowly rose to her feet, and bowed. "My name is Belldandy."

"Wark wark wark?"

She shook her head. "No, I don't know why I'm here." She looked around. "To be honest with you, I don't know where here is." She smiled. "So what's your name?"

The penguin waddled up to her and pointed a flipper at a chain around its neck. Belldandy bent down. "Pen-Pen. Well, that's a cute name." She patted the penguin's head, and Pen Pen closed his eyes, giving her the penguin equivalent of a smile. "You don't live here alone, do you?"

Pen Pen shook his head. "Wark. Wark, wark wark, wark wark wark wark wark."

"Oh, good. There are humans in this world. Three of them, you say? Do they treat you all right?" Belldandy thought the penguin looked well-fed.

Pen Pen went into a long solioquy which we will not recount here. (Too many warks.) At the end, Belldandy nodded. "A wimp, a banshee, and a beerhound, you say? That's a little mean, don't you think?" 

Pen Pen looked down. "Wark."

"They treat you well, so you should be satisfied with your place." She did not think drinking beer and eating fish was nutritionally right, but each to his own, even penguins. "Can you excuse me? I need to use your phone, just for a minute."

Pen Pen shrugged. "Wark."

"Thank you." Belldandy bowed again, and picked up the phone. Her fingers were just about to dial when the door to the apartment suddenly burst open. Two heavily armored NERV troops leveled assault rifles at Belldandy. A woman wearing a red beret and matching jacket stepped through the door, and pointed a pistol directly at Belldandy's head.

"Step away from the penguin," Misato snarled. "Or I'll turn your head into a canoe."

"Oh my," Belldandy replied.

* * *

Keiichi's shout had brought Urd and Skuld running. For all Skuld disliked Keiichi at times, and for Urd's singular obsession with television, the tone in his voice was enough. "Whrf ong, Kemhi?" Urd said around a mouth full of chips.

It took a moment for Keiichi to decode that. "Belldandy screamed. Didn't you hear it?"

Skuld shook her head. "I was in the garage. I heard you yell her name, but that's all."

Urd shrugged. "I've got twenty yen on the Dolphins, so I was watching TV. I figured you two were having fun, so I left you alone."

Keiichi turned bright red. Skuld looked between the two, then what Urd meant sank in. "Urd! You're sick!" She reached into her dress. "Neo Skuld Bomb—"

Keiichi grabbed her wrist. "Never mind that now! Belldandy's gone—I can't find her anywhere. She said she was going into the kitchen for some watermelon."

Skuld nodded once. "I'll get Banpei."

Urd nodded as well. "And I'll do a spirit imprint. If she was heading to the kitchen from the veranda, then she could have only walked down this hallway." She winked at Keiichi. "Not a worry, Keiichi; we'll find her in no time." Urd dashed around the corner, then stopped and looked back around. "You guys had watermelon?" Not liking the homicidal look Keiichi was beginning to acquire, Urd went back to finding the powders she needed.

It seemed to take forever, but he waited as Urd went to work, as close to all business as she got. Skuld ran up to Keiichi, worry etched in her face. "Keiichi," she almost sobbed, "Banpei's detection system can't find Belldandy. If she's in the city, he should have detected her."

Urd's finger went up in the air. "Fancy robots and cool technology are no match for a good bit of potions at your side, kid." She stood and pointed. "Behold—Belldandy's footprints."

Keiichi bent down. "Well, it looks like she was moving towards the kitchen…got in front of this mirror…and the prints just stop." He straightened up, and saw that Urd had acquired a checked overcoat, a funny hat, and a pipe. "Urd…your sister is missing. Can't you be serious for one minute?"

Urd tossed the pipe to one side. "Is it going to do Belldandy any good if I mope around and cry and scream?" Keiichi had to agree with that. "Besides, this isn't the first time she's up and disappeared. She always comes back." Urd scratched the back of her neck. "Of course, the last time, it took her a hundred years or so…"

Keiichi grabbed Urd around the throat and began shaking her, making sounds of rupture. Meanwhile, Skuld had bent down to inspect the footprints with another of her inventions. Luminous green letters marched across its surface as it zoomed in. "Hey, look at this!"

Keiichi stopped strangling Urd, which had a strangely liberating effect on him. "What is it, Skuld?"

"Urk." This from Urd.

"Well, according to my Super Skuld Mark Five-A Focusing Light Computerized Visual Enhancement Device—"

"Computerized magnifying glass."

Skuld shrugged. "Well, if you want to take the fun out of it, Keiichi. Anyway, it looks like Belldandy was yanked off her feet. There's a slight impression on the floor where her right foot dragged on the ground."

Keiichi put his hand on the mirror, but nothing happened. He tried to look past his own reflection, but there was nothing there. "Urd, could Mara have been behind this?"

"Banpei would have detected her!" Skuld insisted.

"Maybe she found a way around him. Could Bell be sealed in the mirror?" 

Urd, still massaging her throat, closed her eyes and mumbled something. A brief purple glow surrounded the mirror. "No, it's not a seal mirror. And Mara won't be anywhere near here for awhile."

Keiichi raised an eyebrow. "Did you beat her at Pong again?"

"Tetris, this time. She lost the bet, so she has to stay away from here for a year."

"What did you bet?" Skuld was curious despite herself.

"Keiichi's head."

"You WHAT?" Keiichi shouted.

"Relax, Keiichi. Mara hasn't won a game of Tetris in a thousand years, and I didn't bet your neck, did I?"

Keiichi made a mental note to cut off Urd's sake supply for a few days. He began to pace. "All right. Belldandy was kidnapped. Mara probably isn't behind it. So what do we do now? I can't just sit here and wait."

Skuld's eyes lit up. "Of course! I should have thought of it sooner!" She grabbed Urd's arm. "Urd, Yggdrasil can track us! Peorth could find Belldandy."

Urd grinned. "Well, let's give her a call, huh?" She looked over at Keiichi. "Wonder if she still has the hots for ol' Keiichi here?"

Keiichi turned red.

* * *

Meanwhile, in yet another dimension…

Washu returned to her lab, looking immensely satisfied. Solving Tenchi's math problem had been child's play, of course. Then she had looked in on Sasami and Yosho's shogi game, and used the Second Ithmar Defense to get Sasami out of a trap. She had then wandered into the kitchen, helped Mihoshi put out a fire she had started in the microwave (when, Washu wondered, would Mihoshi learn that ramen does not heat faster with aluminum foil wrapped around it), and ate three of Sasami's delicious blue tarts. All in all, it had been a wonderful way to spend an hour. She conviently ignored a sopping wet Ryoko's promise of imminent violence on Washu's being.

She went over to the Time-Space Machine, picked up the sphere, and was about to go back to finishing the welds when she noticed that there was more damage than she thought. She inspected the sphere, and saw that the welder had indeed penetrated the metal skin. "Not good," she said. "Computer!"

There was a chirping noise, and the computer spoke in a voice not unlike her own. "Yes, Washu, Oh Great and Powerful Washu, Genius of the Multiverse, Mad Scientist Extra—"

"Never mind that now. Replay Tape AAA-144-6969." Luckily, Washu had at least one camera in her lab going at all times. She enjoyed replaying her scientific achievements, so as to bask in her own glory.

"Playing, Oh Mighty One."

There was a slight click as the computer uploaded the images and sounds, and a screen appeared over the lab. Instantly, noise blasted from unseen speakers. "AAHHH! Oh, yes, Mecha-Tenchi, that's it, faster, give me more—" 

"EEK!" Washu squeaked. "Computer, cancel!" The image faded away. Washu quickly looked around to make sure no one had wandered into the lab. "Er…I mean, Computer, replay Tape AAA-144-9696."

This time, it showed Tenchi waiting patiently as Washu welded on the sphere. She saw Ryoko wander in—the cameras could still detect her, even when invisible—and surprise Tenchi. Washu watched herself port Ryoko away, and leave with Tenchi. "Computer. Stop and enhance image, top left corner." It did as ordered, after a paean or two. 

She saw the spark arc up from the sphere. "Oh, no!" Washu flexed her fingers, and a keyboard appeared in front of her. She quickly tapped in a number of commands, and studied the results. "Hmm. Evidence of intradimensional travel. So a signal was sent out, and it touched off something." Her fingers raced across the keys again. "Well! This is interesting. According to the trail debris, whoever got snagged was…an angel?" Washu peered closer to the screen. "No…a goddess of some kind." She folded her arms. "Damn. Now I'll have to go looking for that number again." She licked her lips. "But not before I grab me another one of Sasami's tarts."

* * *

Peorth was having one of her less stimulating days as Chief Programmer for Yggdrasil. The eternal computer was running smoothly. People's needs were being taken care of. And she needed her lunch break. Her fingers drummed the side of her seat as she watched the clock. "You would think," she murmured to herself, "that heavenly time might run just a _bit_ faster."

"Miss Peorth?" One of the lesser goddesses below her looked up, one hand to her headset. "Call for you, ma'am."

"Send it up here." _Anything to relieve the boredom,_ she thought, putting on a headset. "Chief Programmer Peorth speaking."

"Hi, Peorth, how the heaven are you?"

Peorth's hands noticeably clenched. "Urd! I'm hoping against hope that you have a valid reason for calling me. If you're just asking if I have Prince Albert in a can or if my refrigerator is running again, I swear to Tezuka I'm going to come down there—"

"Hush, Peorth, or I'll tell Kami-sama about the time you drank too much ambrosia and spilled your guts to Nostradamus." Peorth visibly paled. "Okay, now that I have your attention, we've got a teensy problem."

Peorth rolled her eyes. "Now what?" _That Morisato kid just attracts disasters._

"Well, we've sort of lost Belldandy."

"You _lost_ her?"

"Yeah. She screamed, got pulled into a mirror, and now we can't find her anywhere. It's not a seal mirror, and Banpei can't detect anything either."

Peorth rubbed her eyes. "I see. It could be Mara or some other demon. Hold on." She shouted down to the programmers below her to run a trace on Belldandy. "All right, we're working on it. I'll get back to you in about twelve hours."

"TWELVE HOURS?!" This was from Keiichi.

"Yes, Mr. Morisato, twelve hours. If you want to shout at someone, I suggest you look around you. There should be a short, young female with black hair who likes to invent things. If she was up here, we wouldn't have to devote so much space to bug-killing programs and more to processing speed." Peorth was working her way up to a real tirade when her headset beeped. "Hold on, I have another call coming in." She tapped a button set into the side of her chair; it was her private line. "Hello?"

"WHAZZUP!" 

Peorth winced and rubbed her ears. "Washu, not again!" She gritted her teeth. "I'm not going to ask how you got this number."

"It's because I'm the universe's greatest genius, the mind of the age—"

Peorth cut her off. "What do you want, Washu? If you're selling something, we don't want it. The last time we used one of your programs, it caused the Tunguska Blast of 1908."

"Bitch, bitch, bitch. Actually, this time, I might be able to help you."

"We don't _want_ your help, Washu. You avoided demon classification by the skin of your teeth."

"Oh. Well, never mind then. I guess you can find your missing goddess on your own then—"

"WHAT?"

Washu sounded indescribably smug. "Ah, so you _are_ missing one of your workers. Who is it this time? Urd? Rissa? Zeruel?"

Peorth sighed. "Belldandy."

"Really? Fascinating, I thought she was perfect. So what happened?" Peorth decided she had little to lose by telling Washu, so she did. "Ah. Erm…" There was what writers call a pregnant pause, and then Washu came back on the line, her smugness gone. "You see, it was an accident. I was doing some spot welding on my Time-Space Machine, and Ryoko distracted me, and—"

Peorth covered her eyes. "Why am I not surprised? Fine. You made the mess, Washu, so you can help us clean it up."

"Well, I do owe you for helping me beat that demon charge a few thousand years ago. It just so happens that I have her trace. I can upload it direct to Yggdrasil—"

"NO!" Peorth shouted, turning every head in the chamber (and some outside, as well). There was no way in heaven or hell that Peorth was going to allow Washu even indirect access to Yggdrasil. Armageddon could result. "Just tell me the data, Washu." After a few minutes, Peorth nodded. "All right. We'll get on it. I never thought I'd say this, but thank you, Washu."

"I can help—"

Peorth hit the button on her chair. Hard.

* * *

Washu looked at the phone. "You're welcome." She sighed. "Ah, Peorth. Always wound too tightly. Urd was a lot more fun to be around." She sat down and looked at the sphere. "I always wondered if I'd ever invent something I wish I could disinvent." She smiled, and then she cackled. "Ha! As if!" She leapt to her feet and headed for the door. "I'd better let Tenchi know I might be gone for a few hours or days. I'll have to pack, too. Oh, and I'll have to invent an aura suppressor. After all, I don't want them to think I'm an Angel or something…"

* * *

"Anything?"

"Not yet, Dr. Akagi." Maya Ibuki looked up at Ritsuko. "She's still just sitting there."

"Has she said anything?"

"No, but she turned and waved at me once."

Ritsuko rubbed her chin in thought. _This isn't like an Angel at all. They've never been in human form before, though it's certainly possible or even probable that they would. Still, she's so…nice._ Ritsuko shook off those thoughts. The Angels were dangerous in any form, and she wondered why Gendo had allowed one to be brought, alive and intact, so close to Terminal Dogma. 

Behind her, Kaji Ryoji smiled around an unlit cigarette—Ritsuko had explained, in excruciating detail, what exactly would happen to him were he to light up around her precious computers. "Ritsuko, why don't we just talk to her?"

"Talk? To an Angel?"

"Why not? We've never tried that before. Usually we just let them waltz in, we blast 'em a few times and come up with some cockeyed plan that somehow works, and they blow up. This one doesn't show any signs of killing anyone or blowing up, so why not talk?"

Misato, standing nearby, snorted. "Talk with an Angel. You're being more annoying than usual, Kaji. We should hang her up by her thumbs and stick her somewhere."

"Major," Ritsuko warned.

"Or better yet, we could lock her in a room and make her watch Battle Skipper. That would do it."

"That's cruel and unusual," Ritsuko responded. "No. We'll keep watch."

Kaji shrugged. "Well, all right, but giving her the third degree isn't going to—"

"We haven't given her the third degree yet." A cold breeze swept the room as Gendo Ikari walked in. There was silence in his wake. "Kaji is correct. This approach is not working, Dr. Akagi. We should try another tack." He stepped to one side, revealing Rei Ayanami, still wearing her plugsuit and looking strangely bewildered. "We will send in Pilot Ayanami."

Belldandy leaned back in her chair and looked at the ceiling. She knew she was being watched, and she could see who was watching her. _What a strange world this is,_ she thought sadly. _So violent. So devoid of hope. Perhaps I am in the 1970s instead of later._ She tried to hum a little to herself, but the tune would not come. _Poor Keiichi._

The door suddenly slid open, and in walked a teenaged girl with short blue hair, wearing a strange armor-like suit. She looked very serious…but also very sad, for some reason. Belldandy's heart instantly went out to her. 

Belldandy stood and bowed. "Good morning. My name is Belldandy. What is yours?"

The girl looked startled for a moment, then hesitatingly returned the bow. "I am called Rei."

"Pleased to meet you, Rei." Belldandy motioned Rei towards her chair. "This chair is very comfortable. Please take it."

Rei was, by now, completely confused. The Commander had ordered her to talk to this creature, which was strange, since talking was not something she was good at. Rei had come to the conclusion that the Commander had something in mind, but this Angel was so polite. Not knowing what else to do, Rei accepted Belldandy's offer. Belldandy smiled and took a seat in the other chair.

There was silence for a few moments, then Rei said, "Why did you appear in Major Katsuragi's apartment?"

Belldandy shook her head. "I don't know. I was going to get my friend Keiichi a slice of watermelon, I was pulled through a mirror, and that is where I arrived."

Rei blinked. Twice. She decided to try another tack, remembering one that the Commander liked to use. She set her face as sternly as possible (which was not very much), and said, "I do not believe you."

Belldandy looked at her shoes. "I'm sorry. But I don't lie. I can't."

"Who is Keiichi?"

"Keiichi is a very good friend of mine." The words were not good enough, but she had no idea what else to call Keiichi. They were not lovers, not yet in any case. She thought about Keiichi, who was surely worried deeply about her. She could still feel the warmth of his body against hers, and a tear drifted down from her eye. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "I miss him very much."

"Oh, she's good," Misato said.

Maya sniffed back a tear. "It's so sad!" She looked at Ritsuko, her eyes shining. "Two Angels, in love—who would have thought! Oh, how lonely heaven must be!"

Everyone turned and looked at her for a moment. Were this an anime instead of text-based fanfiction, there would be a sweatdrop forming on the NERV staff's heads. But it is text based, so no such occurrence happened. Instead, everyone turned back to watching the monitor, which was a close fit with eight people.

"Dr. Akagi," Gendo half-snarled to Ritsuko, squeezed in on his left.

"Commander?"

"Would you please remove your hand from my posterior?"

Akagi returned Gendo's icy stare. "My hands are nowhere near your posterior, Commander."

Gendo turned to his right. Mahato looked back, then jumped. "Er, sorry, sir. Thought you were Misato, sir."

"What is your purpose in coming here?" Rei asked, sure that this would get some sort of response she could use.

"Do you mean here, in this room, or here, as in the world?"

Rei had to think about that one for a moment. "The world."

"Oh. Well, that's hard to answer." Belldandy decided she had nothing to lose. These people would not rest until she told them the truth, and the sooner they knew, the sooner they might allow her to leave. "You see, my friend Keiichi called me one day. Well, not me specifically, but the Goddess Help Line. I responded to his call, and because he called the Help Line, he received a wish. He wished that I could stay with him forever."

Belldandy's words touched something deep within Rei's heart. She did have feelings, though she had difficulty developing them. It was such a wonderful story that Rei's soul, or the weird combination that passed for it, stirred.

Rei sniffed.

She sniffed again.

And then she began to cry.

"Oh, no!" Belldandy said. "Oh, I'm so sorry—I didn't mean to make you cry, oh you poor dear!"

Gendo's features darkened to real anger. Immediately people began moving away, except for Maya, who was sobbing into a hankerchief. He turned to Misato. "Major, get Rei out of there. This Angel is insidious." Misato saluted and walked out of the control center, stepping over the unconscious form of Mahato Hyuga.

Kaji shook his head. "This isn't going to be easy. We shouldn't have sent in Rei. She just isn't equipped to deal with this sort of threat head on."

"Correct." Gendo almost smiled. "We have tried ice. Now we shall try fire."

Belldandy had been seriously tempted to punish the raven haired woman in the red jacket, who had threatened to turn Belldandy's skull to modern sculpture if she did not move away from Rei. A gray haired older man helped a still-sniffling Rei from the room, and the other woman retreated. The door remained open, so Belldandy moved towards it.

"Back off, witch," snapped Asuka Langely, who stomped into the room. She roughly shoved Belldandy into a seat, then kicked the door shut behind her. "I may not like Wondergirl all that much, but it'll be a cold day in Tokyo-3 before I let an Angel get the better of one of us!" Asuka grabbed the other chair, whipped it around, and sat down. "So, Belldandy, or whatever your name is, what should we talk about?"

Belldandy composed herself. "It's not necessary to be so impolite. I don't even know your name."

Asuka smirked. "Asuka Langely Soryu. I should warn you that I've killed three of your kind already, and I'm always looking for another scalp to pin to my wall." Actually, in all three cases, Asuka had help from Shinji and Rei, but she wasn't about to tell Belldandy that.

Belldandy was aghast. "That's terrible!"

Asuka grinned savagely. "I would cooperate, if I were you. We have ways of making you talk. So. Why were you in Major Katsuragi's apartment?"

"But I told Miss Rei—"

Asuka leaned across the table, almost knocking her chair over. "Liar! You expect us to believe you! How dumb do you think we are? Don't answer that!" She drew within less than two inches from Belldandy's face, close enough that the goddess could tell what Asuka had for lunch. "Now I grow tired of asking this question, Angel Belldandy. Why did you appear in Major Katsuragi's apartment? Don't wait for the translation—_answer the question now!"_

Belldandy had the patience of her station. Goddess Help Line operators had to have a great deal of it, because not all contacts were as mannerly as Keiichi. But even Belldandy had a limit. Her eyes narrowed and she looked directly into Asuka's blazing eyes. "Your mother would be very ashamed of you."

Asuka's mouth fell open. "My…mother?"

"Yes. I would think she would have taught you better manners. You dishonor her."

Asuka's lower lip quivered. "Mama?"

"Now that's low," Kaji commented as Misato escorted a bawling Asuka from the room, screaming at Belldandy to stay back or she would turn her brains into wallpaper. 

Kazuo Futsuyuki leaned over Gendo's shoulder. "I thought Arael wasn't supposed to show up for awhile," he whispered.

Gendo ignored him. Now in his usual pose, fingers steepled before him, his scowl had deepened a few centimeters, which was a sign of utter rage for Gendo. "Very well. It seems we have no choice." He looked at Ritsuko. "Send in Pilot Ikari."

Shinji tried to control his trembling as he opened the door. "Musn't run away," he said to himself, but it did no good. He desperately wanted to run for all he was worth, for this Angel had broken Rei and Asuka already. Somehow, Shinji summoned up what little courage he had left and entered the room.

"H-hello," he said. The Angel Belldandy looked at him, and to Shinji's surprise, her eyes were reddened, as if she too had been crying.

"I have no idea why I was in Major Katsuragi's apartment," Belldandy said quietly. "I have no idea how I got here."

"Um…okay," Shinji said. He managed to make it to a chair. "Shinji Ikari my name. I mean, my name is Shinji Ikari." He quickly put his hands beneath the table, not wanting to show her his trembling. "So, uh, let's not talk about Misat—Major Katsuragi. Let's talk about…um…" To his horror, he realized his mind had gone blank. He could not think of anything. Belldandy stared at him, waiting and wondering what torture she would be subjected to now. "Um…let's talk about…" Words suddenly popped into his head. "Ramen noodles!" He cringed as soon as he said the words.

"Ramen noodles?" Belldandy asked. Then she smiled. There was something about this Shinji Ikari that reminded her of Keiichi. There was the same, shy habit of looking down, the same inability to speak when comfronted by beautiful women, the same humility that had attracted Belldandy to Keiichi in the first place. "Well, all right, if you want to. I like the shrimp kind."

"Really?" Shinji had readied himself for some sort of psychic blow, but none had came. "I like the shrimp kind, too. I, um, don't eat ramen that often, because I like to cook…"

Belldandy's face lit up. "So do I!"

"They're comparing recipes," Ritsuko sighed.

Gendo's scowl deepened even further. "I could have walked down to the corner store, Yui," he said to himself. "It would have only taken a moment to buy the family planning kit, but nooo…" 

"Kyoto beef is better," Belldandy said. 

Shinji nodded. "You're right. It's much more tender." He laughed. "Wow. An Angel that likes to cook. Who would have thought?"

"Why do you insist on calling me an Angel?" Belldandy asked. 

"Uh…because that's what you are…right?" Shinji's smile faded.

Belldandy's only widened. "Why, no."

Shinji felt truly ridiculous. "Then…what are you?"

"Oh. I'm a Goddess."

Dead silence reigned throughout Central Dogma. 


	2. Things Get Worse

****

Oh My Evangelion! 

Part II: Things Get Worse

(Welcome to Part Two of "Oh My Evangelion," yet another fine work of Stormwind Graphics. Sit back, grab a cup of LCL, and read on! Oh, and thanks for the reviews.)

Dead silence reigned throughout the control room. Shigeru looked over at a very pale Ritsuko. "Er…that's bad, isn't it?" Ritsuko's mouth opened, no sound came out, and she shook her head. Shigeru noticed that Commander Ikari was gone, with only a fluttering of paper in his wake.

The truth was, Gendo had moved at near light speeds to reach his office. There, he rapidly called up his online copy of the Dead Sea Scrolls. To his horror, there was nothing in it that said anything about a Goddess. Futsuyuki arrived, panting heavily--he was getting too old for this. Gendo, despite a rapidly developing case of the galloping screaming memees, composed himself and assumed his normal position. "What does it mean?" Futsuyuki said when he caught his breath.

"It means that this Belldandy may or may not be a threat. She may actually be very, very sneaky. She has, after all, defeated two of our pilots and may be subverting the Third Child."

"Are you certain that you're not just making this up?" Futsuyuki would not be surprised. After all, Gendo had been known to cheat in college, and he had certainly told some whoppers to Yui.

"Certainly not. Everything is still going to plan," Gendo lied.

"Then what should we do? Shinji can't keep her occupied for too long by doing his Julia Child impression. And we will have to contact SEELE at some point."

Gendo mused on that a moment. "If Belldandy is indeed a Goddess, then having her this close to Central Dogma is a danger. We cannot allow her to initiate Third Impact." _Not yet, anyway,_ Gendo added to himself. "We should observe her." He thought frantically of a place to do so. Keeping her at NERV was out of the question. Sending her someplace where SEELE could get to her was likewise not a good idea. There had to be somewhere that was secure, where she could be monitored effectively, and if it became necessary, eliminated. If assassination had to take place, Gendo knew he could not rely on Kaji to do it, mainly because Kaji was far more likely to try his luck with Belldandy than kill her. Then he smiled slightly, remembering.

"Commander?" Futsuyuki asked. When Gendo smiled these days, it was usually a bad thing.

"We will put her with Major Katsuragi. Between her presence and that of the Second and Third Children, we should be able to keep her under control. And when the next Angel attacks, we will use her and see where her true alleigiances lie." _Besides,_ Gendo thought, _we can test my theory about Yebisu beer._

"You can't be serious!" Misato yelled. "Good God, Subcommander, she's already seriously screwed up Rei's head—Rei's been asking me all sorts of weird questions since. And Asuka, Asuka's curled up in a corner crying for her _brummbar_ or something."

"Has Shinji found out anything new?" Futsuyuki asked.

"Oh, yes," Maya Ibuki chirped. She looked at a clipboard. "Let's see…how to make ramen taste better, a better kind of miso soup—I can't wait to try that—"

__

I left the University why? Futsuyuki wondered silently. "I meant besides recipes."

"Other than Belldandy seems to have been a telemarketer or something and is in love with some guy named Keiichi, no, sir."

"We've already been running a check through MAGI for someone named Keiichi. So far, we've turned up about 200 matches in Tokyo-3 alone," Ritsuko reported. "This could take awhile." She turned to Misato. "Having Belldandy in your apartment could work to our advantage, Major. With the presence of the two children, yourself, and Pen Pen, we could even bring Belldandy to our side. She could be a valuable weapon against the Angels."

"Sure, unless she's one herself!" Misato glared at Futsuyuki. "I suppose Commander Ikari ordered this." At the subcommander's nod, she pouted. "All right, but NERV is footing the bill." She looked at the monitor, where Belldandy and Shinji were talking animatedly. "At least she can cook."

* * *

Japan's weather service noted some strange weather patterns. For one thing, it was snowing around Tokyo-3, with the temperature dropping. This was unusual for the perpetual summer that Japan found itself with after Second Impact, but given the chaotic weather patterns of the Earth after that cataclysmic event, the weather service merely issued a travel advisory. It did not notify NERV, who had given the weather service the cold shoulder (no pun intended) more than once: the weather staff figured that, if Commander Gendo Ikari wanted to know about the snow, he could damn well open a window.

The other strange effect that the weather service noted was the sudden appearance of ball lightning just north of Tokyo-3. This they did pass on to NERV, but the staff was generally busy. Since there were no blue patterns associated with the lightning, it was ignored. The lightning disappeared quickly enough.

Had someone gone to investigate, they would have found…exactly nothing. The Greatest Scientist in the Universe had long ago learned how to cover her tracks. 

As Washu walked towards the road leading into Tokyo-3 from the north, she looked upwards. "Hmm. Snow. Unusual for this time of year. I wonder if I caused that. Oh, well." She shrugged. In her years at the university, Washu had also learned how to travel cheaply and efficiently. When she reached the side of the road, she stuck her thumb out.

Luckily, she did not have long to wait. She had not exactly dressed for the weather. A truck carrying watermelons pulled slowly to the side of the road, and the driver opened the door. He was old, weatherbeaten, and had a cowboy hat perched on his head. "Hey there, little lady," the driver smiled. "Bit young to be out here all alone, aren't ya?"

Washu instantly splayed her eyes open as wide as they would go, and assumed her Awfully Cute pose. "I'm sorry, kind sir, but I was out visiting my sick grandmother and it started to snow. Can you give me a lift into town? I can pay."

"Don't worry about it, missy. Just hop on in here; it's only a few kilometers." Washu climbed into the cab, carefully put her backpack on the floorboard, and closed the door. The driver pulled back onto the highway. He made small talk with Washu as they reached the outskirts of the city. Washu noticed a sign reading WELCOME TO TOKYO-3, HOME OF NERV. GOD'S IN HIS HEAVEN, AND YOU ARE HERE. An arrow pointed to a map underneath the sign.

"What's NERV?" Washu asked.

The driver looked at her strangely. "You're not from around here, are ya?"

"No, we live in the mountains in southern Honshu. We don't get much outside news."

"Weird. Well, kid, NERV is the head honcho in Tokyo-3. They protect us from the Angels, y'know, and pretty much run the place." He pointed ahead to where a group of skyscrapers rose into the clouds. "Their spread is somewhere under all that. We don't ask too many questions about NERV 'round here."

Washu nodded. If NERV ran everything, then chances were good that it was where she wanted to go to find out her answers. 

"Yeah, them kids that pilot those EVA things, they—" The driver was cut off as a car suddenly swerved across two lanes of traffic, including his, to make the next exit. He bellowed an oath that reddened even Washu's ears, and slammed on the brakes. Luckily, the snow was not sticking to the highways much, and the driver avoided an accident by mere meters. Washu's backpack rolled forward slightly, and there was another tiny spark. 

"Damn Renault Alpines," the driver growled. "Somebody buys a sports car and they think they're immortal. Sorry, kid. You okay? You look a little pale or somethin'."

"I'm all right. Drop me off at the next exit, please." Washu desperately wanted to look at the control sphere for the Time-Space Machine, and she wondered what had happened now.

* * *

Rei sat on her bed, naked except for a towel over her back. She was nude for three reasons: she had just taken a shower, she was in the privacy of her own apartment, and, as every otaku worth his or her manga collection knows, there must be fanservice even in a text-based parody. She lay on her stomach, her head on her hands, idly kicking her legs over the end of her bed.

The events of the day had disturbed her. She had cried before, though only Commander Ikari knew that: once after one too many insults from Asuka, once during a sudden explosion of rage from Comander Ikari, and once when Shinji had accidentally dropped a wrench on her foot. Still, the romance between the Angel Belldandy and this Keiichi had touched emotions she did not even know she possessed. Once she had stopped crying, which had not been very long after seeing Asuka bawling (justice was indeed sweet, Rei mused), she had asked Major Katsuragi about love and such things. The major had grumpily advised her that love was something unshaven wannabe spies used to get into women's beds, which had further confused Rei. As she waited for Ritsuko to drive her home, Rei had asked Maya if she knew anything on the subject. After Maya had picked herself up off the floor, she had run off. When she returned, she had pressed several DVDs into Rei's arms and advised her to watch them.

Rei looked at the DVD boxes again. She did not watch television very much, and when she did, it was usually only the Discovery Channel or CNN. She certainly did not watch anime. Nonetheless, this Sailor Moon did intrigue her, and she was learning something about love.

There was a buzz at her door. Rei sighed, paused the DVD, put on a robe (she had learned her lesson after the incident with Shinji), and walked to the door. Opening it, she was confronted by a girl someone shorter than herself, dressed in a uniform of some type, with skin and hair not unlike Rei's, except her hair was drawn up into two long pigtails—not unlike Sailor Moon's. Rei blinked, but said, "Hello. May I help you?"

The girl looked her up and down and said nothing, though her unsmiling mouth left little doubt what she was thinking. After a long silence, she said, "Have you seen…no, I suppose you have not."

Rei said nothing: "…"

The girl said nothing: "…"

After a silence that stretched for about three minutes, the girl smiled slightly and said, "Pardon me for bothering you, miss."

"It is no trouble. It was pleasant speaking with you." Rei shut the door as the girl turned to leave. As she did so, she thought she had heard the words "what have those Nergal idiots done now" being spoken. She opened the door again, but the girl was nowhere to be seen.

Rei resolved that she would no longer think her life to be strange. She went back to watching Maya's DVDs, dropping her robe on the way, thereby insuring that half the population will continue to read this story.

* * *

Washu, having reached an abandoned building where she could safely examine the control sphere, wiped her brow. This time, she had fixed the connection properly, rather than the rush job she had done in her lab at Tenchi's. There had been another inadvertent rip in the time-space continuum, but she had repaired the damage, and was reasonably sure that, if someone had been sucked through, they had been returned to whence they came.

She called up her computer. There was too much interference because of the snow, so she could not get a lock on Belldandy's signature. _Peorth is getting my help whether she likes it or not,_ Washu thought indignantly. She then noticed the time in the upper left hand corner of her screen. "Getting a bit late. I suppose I'll check around tomorrow." Using the portable hole in her backpack, she quickly pulled out a tent, heating unit, remote defense system, and one all-purpose mini-fridge. She reached in and smiled. "Ah, Sasami, you are my friend. Pocky, my favorite."

* * *

Under normal circumstances, Misato would have apologized for the mess in her apartment. She did not entertain often—the only guests she usually had were Kaji and Ritsuko. Shinji had been busy lately, so there had not been time to clean up much. Asuka, of course, had found ways to pawn off her chores on Shinji. The end result was the apartment looked like EVA-01 had walked through it, dropped to all fours, and wallowed in it like a dog in a cow pie.

However, Misato disliked Belldandy, so she made no apology for the mess. She simply tossed her keys on the table, reached into the refrigerator, grabbed a beer, and fixed Belldandy with a murderous glare. "There are a few rules in this house, Miss Belldandy," she snarled. "First: attempt to hurt me, Asuka, Shinji, or Pen-Pen, and I'll shoot you. Second: drink any of my beer, and I'll shoot you. Third: do not leave the apartment or I'll hunt you down and shoot you. Fourth: wipe that smile off your face, or I'll shoot you. Fifth…" Misato paused. "Well, I can't think of a fifth right now, but I'll let you know if I do. Plop down anywhere you can find five vacant feet." With that, Misato took a drink of her beer, walked into her room, and slammed the door.

Asuka also gave Belldandy a particularly nasty look, mumbled something in German about needing to talk to Herr Bear, walked to her room, and slammed the door.

Belldandy turned to look at Shinji. "I'm sorry," he said automatically.

"Why? It's not your fault." She smiled at him, turning Shinji's knees to water. "These Angels must be terrible things for you to hate them so much."

"Um, yeah. Er, would you like something to eat?"

"Yes, I am a little hungry. I can prepare it."

"No, that's okay. I like to cook. I can whip up something really quick."

Belldandy nodded. "All right." She walked past the table. "May I use your phone?"

"Uh, sure—"

Misato stuck her head out of her door. "Use the phone, and I'll shoot you."

Belldandy looked back. "Major Katsuragi, I assure you I won't do anything—"

"I mean it!" Misato yelled, and shut her door.

Belldandy sat down heavily. She _had_ to contact Peorth somehow. She did not want to risk Misato's wrath, but it would have to be done. Nonetheless, she intended to wait until everyone was asleep. Belldandy hated to do anything behind one's back, but she could see no choice. 

"Shinji-san," she said.

"Uhm? What is it, Belldandy?" Keiichi was trying to find something besides cereal, beer, and ramen.

"What are these Angels?"

Shinji was quiet for a moment, as he finally found some snacks. Then, slowly at first, but warming up to the story, he began telling Belldandy everything that had happened since he came to Tokyo-3. She listened patiently. Shinji continued the story as he cooked, served, and ate, and even as they retired to the couch for some tea. Only once was he interrupted, as Asuka stuck her head out of _her_ door and told Baka Shinji not to leave her out of the story.

When he was done, Shinji felt drained. Belldandy felt much the same. She reached out and caressed his cheek. "Oh, Shinji, I feel so sorry for you."

Shinji shuddered—no one had touched his cheek like that, not since his mother. "Well, we all have our destiny, I guess."

"I can tell you that those are no Angels that I know of," Belldandy reassured him. "We would have our licenses revoked if we acted like that."

"So you're not here to destroy Tokyo-3?"

"No!" Belldandy shook her head vigorously. "I wouldn't think of it. I'm not sure I'm even capable of it." 

"Well, that's a relief. Maybe tomorrow you can talk to my father—" Shinji stopped himself. "No, he won't believe you. Not that bastard."

Belldandy's hands flew up to her mouth. "Shinji, he's your father. You shouldn't speak of him like that."

"He called me here and the first thing he did was to stick me in a big purple killing machine!" Belldandy's eyebrows beetled together at the mental image that brought. _No,_ she thought, _the demon Barney was destroyed by Shannon Masters years ago._ Seeing her confused, Shinji showed her a picture of EVA-01. "It's…hideous," she said.

"Yeah. Chief Designer Anno had stopped taking his Prozac, I guess." Shinji balled his fists. "I wish I had the courage to go to my father and tell him to his face what I think of him!"

Belldandy again shook her head. "You can't, Shinji. It won't help matters with violence."

Shinji stood, frustrated beyond belief. "What will, then?"

Belldandy stood and held out her arms. Shinji saw the invitation, hesitated, then took it. Belldandy hugged him tight, and Shinji cried inconsolately into her shoulder.

* * *

Because this is supposed to be funny, the author would direct the humble reader's attention back to NERV headquarters. It was quiet, with most everyone having gone home for the night, or back to the barracks in the Geofront. The only one of the "first crew" still on duty was Gendo Ikari, Ritsuko Akagi, and Makato Hyuga.

Gendo Ikari was on his fifth can of Red Bull and poring over his copy of the Dead Sea Scrolls. He still had found nothing pertaining to Belldandy, which posed a considerable dilemma. Gendo's position at NERV depended on looking like he was in control of everything at all times. Usually, he was. When he was not, he fell back on hard-earned lessons from college and looked busy. Moreover, SEELE would want to know what was going on, and he had no idea what to tell them. The truth would either get Gendo sent to a mental hospital (though some quietly maintained that was where he should be in the first place), cause Third Impact, or get Belldandy cloned and mass-produced. Gendo made a mental note that, if Third Impact went awry, he would find Keel and kick his ass in hell for the next few centuries. 

Ritsuko Akagi was still stuck on the level with the Zentraedi female power armor. As her Veritech disintegrated for the eighteenth time, Ritsuko threw her controller across the room and shouted, "I WILL defeat you, Mother!"

Makato Hyuga, who was mopping up the EVA cages of stray LCL (as punishment for daring to touch the posterior of Commander Gendo Ikari, in addition to being poleaxed by Major Misato Katsuragi), swore he heard laughing coming from somewhere. He looked around, but only saw EVA-00. "I've got to find another line of work," he shivered.

So it fell to the poor nightwatch crew, as it usually does, to deal with the problem of alarms going off in the middle of the night. After assorted contusions from leaping into the ceiling, wrenched vertebrae from falling out of chairs, and third degree burns from coffee being shot out of mouths, NERV's intrepid nightwatch determined that there had been another blue pattern detected by MAGI. 

Ritsuko strode into the control center. "What do you have?"

"Nothing, ma'am," the head nightwatchman reported.

"What do you mean, nothing, Craig?" Ritsuko snapped. "The alarms went off!"

"There was something there for a second, then it was gone. Just south of Tokyo-3."

Ritsuko checked the computer. Indeed, there had been a split-second of detection of a blue pattern, but then nothing. MAGI had generated false alarms before, but after the events of the previous day, Ritsuko was taking no chances.

"Should we call in the pilots, Dr. Akagi?"

Ritsuko chewed her lip for a moment. "No. Notify JSSDF and have them run a recon over the target zone. If they even suspect something out of the ordinary, let me know and we'll get Pilot Ayanami here. Keep monitoring. And stay awake! You're not getting paid fifty yen an hour to sleep!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"I swear it wasn't me, Yui!"

"Whatever, Naoko."

"Who's there?" Makato whispered, looking frantically around the EVA cages. "WHO'S THERE?"

All he heard was the lonesome, lilting call of Genesis' "Home By the Sea."

(Third chapter to follow soon. In the meantime, feel free to hum "Fly Me to the Moon." Imagine it done by Rob Zombie.) 


	3. Chasing Belldandy

[Chapter 4 of "Oh My Evangelion!" With apologies to Albert Broccoli and George Lucas, and a tip of the Banpei funny hat to Tim Murphy.]

Shinji Ikari stepped out into the darkened room. He had to find out NERV's secret, what they were hiding in the place called Central Dogma. All he had to do was get past the steps, down the tunnel, and he would be there. He looked to either side of him: he was standing over a vat of LCL. The room smelled of blood.

But the tunnel was clear. There were no guards. Shinji, careful not to make any noise, moved towards the stairs, which glowed orange from the LCL below.

Suddenly, Shinji saw a figure step from the shadows. He could not see its face, and could only hear its breathing. The way it pushed the mask into place over its face, however, left no doubt to the figure's identity.

"The Force is with you, young Ikari," the figure in black said evenly. "But you are not an EVA pilot yet."

Shinji drew his Progressive Knife, which glowed purple in the eerie half-light. The figure stepped forward, also drawing a Prog Knife, but this one was red.

"Shinji," the figure intoned, "I am your father."

"Um…I knew that," Shinji replied.

"Oh. Well, in that case…" The black-robed figured gestured to something over Shinji's left shoulder.

"I am your mother," a voice said from behind him. Shinji whirled around. Rei stood there, but she wore a long flowing red robe, with what looked like kabuki makeup. 

Shinji was so stunned he dropped the Prog Knife on the ground with a clatter. "No…" he moaned. "It can't be…that's impossible!"

"Search your feelings, Shinji," Rei said. 

"You know it to be true," his father said from behind him. Then he sniffed and readied the Progressive Knife to chop off Shinji's hand. "Do you smell what the Gendo is cooking?"

Shinji sniffed the air as well. Something did smell good, and it wasn't LCL. 

Shinji woke up. He looked at the ceiling, then down at his SDAT. _What the—'Star Wars, Episodes One through Six Original Soundtrack'? That's the last time I let Aida borrow this. _Then the smell hit his nostrils. "Huh, someone _is_ cooking breakfast." He looked at his clock. "It's a Saturday. Too early for Misato to be up." Shinji swung himself out of bed and began to get dressed.

She swept into the room, her red dress billowing behind her. With a flourish, the woman took off her sunglasses and pinned them between her breasts.

It was a classy place, the Casino Royale. But she was used to such classy places. She could move with the high and powerful. She could also kill them without a blink. It was a ruthless attitude, but then so was life. She could feel the Walther PPK strapped to the inside of her left thigh. It was comforting to have, in case someone less savory arrived.

"Ah, mademoiselle," the maitre'd said, bowing to her. "It is always a pleasure to have you here."

"Good evening," the woman replied. 

"Your usual table tonight?"

"Of course. And a vodka martini—"

"Straight up with a twist. Certainly, mademoiselle." The maitre'd bowed again and moved off.

The woman in red walked towards the baccarat table. Men parted before her like the Red Sea, taking in her young body with obvious interest. Every move a poem, she took a seat. The dealer looked across the table at her, her red eyes taking in the new arrival. "I see we have an old 'friend' with us tonight."

"Old wine. New skin," the woman replied, smiling grimly. _You're no dealer, are you, Rei Blofeld? No, you're secretly an assassin, and you know where they have Agent Kaji. But we will play your little game for now._ "Deal me in."

Ayanami hesitated, then began pulling cards from the shoe. "First draw to…what did you say your name was, mademoiselle?"

The woman in red leaned over the table, her blue eyes cold. "Soryu. Asuka Soryu."

Asuka's eyes opened slowly as the sun slanted into them. _"Gott im Himmel,_" she sighed. "Just when it was getting good, too." She sniffed, and her stomach growled in response. "Shinji's up early." She yawned. "Well, I suppose I should go see what the baka has fixed for me today."

Asuka put on a robe, tied it tightly (occasionally it appealed to her to watch Shinji go into fits and nosebleeds, but not this morning…sorry, guys), and walked out of her room. And stopped cold.

Shinji was a good housekeeper, excellent even. But the room fairly sparkled. The table was set perfectly, no trace of dust or dirt was to be seen anywhere, and even the walls were spotless. Asuka was afraid to set foot in the kitchen, especially in bare feet; it seemed like blasphemy. Across the way, she could see an equally thunderstruck Shinji and Pen-Pen.

At the stove, Belldandy turned and smiled angelically, bowing to Asuka. "Ohayo, Asuka-san. Would you like some breakfast?"

Misato did not have any dreams worth recounting. She had drank more than usual the night before, and so most of the night had passed dreamlessly. There was one involving Kaji, a kiddy pool, and six tons of green Jello, but this is a family fanfic, so it will not be retold at this point. 

She groaned and woke up, the smell of food not causing her stomach to growl but to turn over dangerously. Food was a four-letter word to a hungover Misato.

"Oh, Goddd…" she groaned. "Why did I drink so much last night…" She sat up, but it took an act of courage to do so. Actually, Misato knew why she had drank so much: she had an Angel in her apartment, more or less willingly. The Angels had taken away her family, and had nearly taken away what few friends she had left. She hated them with a passion. She stayed at NERV because she wanted to see them wiped out, completely eradicated with extreme prejudice. Then she stopped thinking, because it hurt.

"Gotta have some hair of the dog," she whispered to herself. She pulled on some shorts and a tank top, rose to her feet, fell, got back up off the bed, and stumbled to the door.

Had Misato's higher brain functions been dealing with more than pain at the moment, she might have stopped as Asuka had. Instead, she gave the immaculate room little more than a second glance. She did pull up short at the sight of Shinji, Asuka, Pen-Pen, and Belldandy eating breakfast at the table, especially as Asuka wore a look of complete bliss as she bit into a cinnamon roll. But then Misato's brain managed to string together something coherent, and it propelled her feet forward.

Belldandy rose and bowed to Misato. "Ohayo, Katsuragi Misato-sama. Would you like some breakfast?"

"Don't use such nasty words around me," Misato said, holding onto a rapidly violent stomach. Her nose told her that it did smell very good, and her brain got together another thought, that her apartment had not been this clean since…she could not remember since. Obviously, Belldandy had done that and cooked breakfast. Misato's opinion of Belldandy went up a notch. An Angel, even one attempting to ingratiate itself, probably would not do that. If it had, it would have been a cover for something heinous, like covering a pit trap with a rug or poisoning Pen Pen. The penguin looked as happy as everyone else. _Either she has them brainwashed,_ Misato thought painfully, _or maybe I've been wrong._

"G'morn'ng," Misato mumbled. "Jus' let me through…need a piece of what bit me." She flung open the refrigerator. It took a moment to register, and it was only after her hand had closed on a bottle of herbal tea that she noticed. Misato gasped. It was the worst thing she had ever seen since Second Impact.

The beer was gone.

She rounded on Belldandy. "Where. Is. My. Beer." Asuka, Shinji, and Pen Pen all turned white with fright and edged back quickly. A beer-deprived Misato was not human, she was a force of nature that would have made an Angel cringe. Belldandy, however, stood her ground.

"Alcohol, in moderation, is not a bad thing," Belldandy said. "But from what I have discovered in cleaning up this morning, you drink far too much, Miss Katsuragi. I'm sorry, but it is for you own good."

The two pilots and the penguin had taken cover behind the couch, from the battle about to begin between an irresistible force and an immovable object. The immovable object won as Misato's eyes rolled back into her head and she fainted.

* * *

The snow had come and gone, and the ground was drying out underneath blue skies and sunshine. The night had been spent relatively warmly by Keiichi, Urd, and Skuld, thanks to one of Skuld's inventions. A thermal blanket and body heat had done the rest. Keiichi had been more than a little embarrassed to share the blanket with Urd, but the goddess had not seemed to mind. Skuld shot Keiichi a look that promised death if he tried anything at all before she had gone to sleep, as if he had any intention to. He had also worried about being found, but Banpei had guarded them throughout the night without incident. Urd had promised them that they would not be seen, thanks to her spells, but neither Keiichi nor Skuld had slept any easier with Urd's assurance.

With the data provided by Washu, Yggdrasil had taken very little time to track down Belldandy's signature through the various dimensions. It had taken a little bit of sweat and magic to send the trio across time and space, but Peorth had managed it. She had been helped immensely by Keiichi's gift (read "bribe") of a few books of Cardcaptor Sakura.

Now they were encamped in the hills overlooking Tokyo-3. Skuld had built yet another device, the All Purpose Belldandy Locator, but nothing was registering. "I'm sorry, but we're too far away to get a good signature," Skuld grumbled. "I could boost the power—"

Urd shook her head. "No. We might get detected. 'Leave no trace,' remember?"

Keiichi spread his hands. "I guess we'll have to get into the city then." He pointed at the tallest building, a slab of concrete and steel that poked into the sky. "What about from up there, Skuld?"

"That should work."

Urd nodded. "I'll scout ahead. Meet you at the top." She disappeared with a crack of displaced air.

Skuld tapped Banpei on his hat. "Banpei, motorcycle mode." The little robot obediently transformed to a rather bizarre looking motorbike. Skuld and Keiichi climbed on. "Let's hope they don't have a helmet law here," Keiichi said.

* * *

At NERV, Shigeru Aoba was covering for Makoto Hyuga, who was sleeping off a very bad night. MAGI's detection system abruptly whooped to life for a moment, then stopped. After righting his seat, Shigeru climbed back up as Ritsuko ran in. _Doesn't she sleep? Doesn't she eat?_ he asked himself. 

"What was that?" she asked.

"Not sure, Dr. Akagi," Shigeru replied. "We had another blue pattern, just for a second, like the nightwatch reported."

Ritsuko tapped a finger on her chin. JSSDF had sent a reconnaissance plane over the site the night before, but had found nothing. "MAGI's acting up again," Ritsuko sighed. "I didn't want to do this, but I don't have a choice. We'll have to run a diagnostic. I'll inform the commander." Her cellphone beeped, and she took it out of one of the many pockets on her coat. "Akagi."

"Ritsuko, this is Kaji." Ritsuko thought she could detect a note of concern in Kaji's voice. "I'm coming in with the pilots and Belldandy. We have two problems. One's with Rei."

"Is she all right?"

"Well, the commander might want to have a talk with her. It's…oh, hell, you'll have to see it to believe it."

"Where's Misato?"

"That's the other problem. Misato's unconscious."

"What happened?" Ritsuko leaned over the console, one manicured fingernail on the alarm button. "Did Belldandy do something?"

"In a way," Kaji said. "She threw out all of Misato's beer." 

"Oh, dear God."

Oblivious to the conversation, Maya and Shigeru had begun running the diagnostic on MAGI.

* * *

Washu woke up in mid-snore as a soft beep sounded in the darkness of the tent. She clapped the lights on and brought up her computer. "Perfect! I was hoping for something like this." she grinned. One hand's fingers flew across the shadowy keyboard as Washu put on a set of goggles with the other. A new pattern coalesced on the screen. "What's this?" she said in mock fright. "A security program? Oh, my! An advanced one, too." Her grin grew to diabolic proportions. "I so love a challenge!" she cackled.

* * *

Urd appeared at the top of the building and floated gently to the ground. She leaned over the top. "Now that's strange," she said, noticing the way the windows were set into the building. It was a false front. "Wonder what they're hiding?"

She felt something brush a corner of her mind, and knew instantly what it was. Belldandy was in the area, and close. Urd closed her eyes and whispered a few words. The breeze picked up ever so slightly; Urd, opening her eyes, saw a blue sports car pull into a garage sixty stories below her. "So that's where you are," Urd whispered. "Hmm. Better not teleport." Instead, she went over the edge of the roof and quickly crawled down the side of the building.

* * *

"Are you sure you're not angry?" Belldandy asked.

Kaji opened the door and stubbed out his cigarette, motioning NERV's paramedics and security squad over. "Nah. There was no way you could've known, Miss Belldandy," Kaji said with a wry smile. "Misato's had a real thing for beer since college. It was just too much shock to her system. We'll get her fixed up." His smile faded. "Of course, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes when she's back to normal. Or what passes for normal with Misato."

"Huh," Asuka snorted. "I think it was overdue. Misato drinks too much."

"Um…we haven't seen her actually _drunk_ in a long time," Shinji spoke up hesitantly.

"Quiet, baka." Asuka was about to add more, but then her eyes fell on Rei, and she was speechless for the third time this morning. She looked at Shinji, who shrugged helplessly. He almost asked Rei, but one look at her face, and he decided that now was not the time, if ever. So he fixed his eyes on Belldandy instead, who was, after all, rather pleasant to look at, even when surrounded by a cordon of NERV security. The day before, she had done up her hair, but today, it was left to drift free.

Ritsuko walked up to the gurney that Misato had been gently laid upon. "Misato," she said, "can you hear me?"

"Erhmmm…" Misato moaned. "No beer…no more boom…boom gone…"

"BYOB IV, stat," Ritsuko ordered the paramedics, who wheeled Misato down into NERV itself. "Kaji, escort Miss Belldandy to Subcommander Futsuyuki's office for now. Asuka, Shinji, go down to the locker room and get suited up."

"Oh, no," Shinji groaned. "Not another sync test."

"Not this time. MAGI's down for a diagnostic, and until it comes back up, I think we'll put the EVAs on patrol, just in case. Rei, you're supposed to meet with Commander Ikari first, and—" Ritsuko's mouth stayed open, but no words came out. 

"Yes, Doctor?" Rei said, as quietly as ever.

"Uh…n-nothing. Just…go talk to Commander Ikari."

"Very well."

Ritsuko wiped at her eyes. "That's it," she mumbled to herself. "No more all night Battle Cry sessions."

Urd watched from her perch above the parking garage as the doors, marked with NERV's trademark fig leaf, rumbled closed behind the group of people. Two security men remained outside the door. "Just two, plus some security cameras?" Urd smiled. "This is _too_ easy."

She floated down until her feet touched the concrete. With a sweep of her hand, Urd's clothes changed from slightly daring street fashion to dress more appropriate for the Cheetah Club or the Mustang Ranch. A quick spell later, and the security cameras were recording a loop. 

Without hesitation, Urd sauntered towards the door like a queen heading to her throne. The two NERV security men, both handpicked by Gendo Ikari for unswerving loyalty, the ability to think quickly, and a willingness to use their assault rifles, were flabbergasted by the sight approaching them.

"H-Halt," one guard managed to stammer out, halfheartedly bringing up his rifle. "Who—who are you?"

"W-what he said," the other one said. "Let's see your goodies—I mean, your identification!"

Urd smiled at them with the beauty of an angel (or a succubus…take your pick). "Boys," she said seductively, "you don't need to see my identification." She waved her hand, making one strap of her bra fall down a shapely shoulder.

"Yeah…she's right, we don't need to see your identification," the first guard murmured, seeing plenty of Urd's identification as it was. The second guard, a bit more hard up than the first, had already collapsed in a welter of a nosebleed.

"I can go about my business." Urd's voice had dropped to a whisper. Her fingers traced the barrel of the rifle and moved up to brush against the guard's chin.

"Y-you can go 'bout your business…"

"Move along." Urd made the words curl around her tongue like the sweetest honey. 

"Move along!" the guard grinned idiotically, swiped his card through the reader, and passed out.

Urd shook her head. "Hmpf. You took all the fun out of that. I risk a lawsuit and you conk out on me." She contemptously turned her back and walked into NERV.

"Pilot Ayanami here to see you," Gendo's intercom crackled.

"Send her in," Gendo said. He had grabbed a few hours sleep and now felt refreshed. Seeing Rei usually brightened his day to begin with. Ritsuko had sounded worried when she had told him something was wrong with Rei, but Gendo did not share that worry. He knew what others would find weird about Rei he might find perfectly normal. After all, he knew the truth about her. He steepled his hands on his desk; as the door opened, his glasses slid down the bridge of his nose. Gendo grimaced slightly and began to push them back up.

One look at Rei and he poked himself in the nostrils. His glasses slid down to his nose, and Gendo looked over the tops of them. "Rei…"

"Yes, Commander?"

"What…" It took a moment. "Why are you dressed like that?" 

Rei inspected her reflection in the floor of Gendo's office. "Is there something wrong with my attire? I know it is not quite the regulation school uniform."

__

That is like saying Second Impact was a minor meteorlogical event, Gendo thought. Rei was wearing her school outfit, but either it had shrunk or she had altered it, for it now ended well above her knees, exposing a little more pale thigh than Gendo would approve of. The bowtie that was part of the uniform was also a lot larger now. Most arresting of all was Rei's hair. It had been pulled into two pigtails, but unfortunately Rei's hair was just not long enough and was blue, not blonde. Instead of two magnificent golden tails, the result was Pippi Longstocking gone punk.

"Why?" was the only words Gendo could think of.

"I had asked Technician Ibuki questions regarding the concept of romantic love. She gave me a series of DVDs which I reviewed last night. They made very little sense to me, but I decided I would alter my appearance to resemble that of the main character."

"An experiment," Gendo stated.

"Yes, sir. An experiment." Rei half-shrugged. "It did seem to have an impression on Pilots Ikari and Soryu and Mr. Ryoji."

Gendo felt perverse curiousity. "What were their reactions?"

"Mr. Ryoji mentioned something about the need to quit smoking. Pilot Soryu seemed to have trouble with the motor functions of her jaw—she may have injured it on the floor of the car--while Pilot Ikari apparently caught a cold."

Gendo's eyebrows rose. "A cold?"

"Yes. He held facial tissue to his nose for the rest of the trip here."

"So that is why Major Katsuragi passed out," Gendo said. He already knew the reason, for Ritsuko had called him, but he was testing Rei.

"No, sir. She had passed out before Mr. Ryoji arrived at her apartment. I understand he was called by Belldandy."

"I see." Gendo succeeded in getting his glasses in place. "Rei, join the other pilots, suit up, and await further orders from Dr. Akagi or myself. After you've returned here off patrol, we'll speak again and I will try and answer some of your questions regarding…love."

"Yes." Rei bowed and walked out. A smile flitted across her face as she remembered one other reason she had changed her appearance. 

Shinji had liked it.

Behind her, Gendo pressed a button on his desk. "Technician Ibuki."

"Commander?" Maya's voice wavered a little.

"Is Dr. Akagi overseeing the diagnostic?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Go and clean the load pan bays."

"Sir?"

"That is an order, Miss Ibuki. I would like it if you would clear the loaning of anime to Pilot Ayanami with me first. Understood?"

"Yes, sir." Maya's voice held a note of resignation.

__

Otaku. The 18th Angel. Gendo pressed another button. "Subcommander, is Miss Belldandy there?"

"Yes, she is. Did you want to speak with her?"

"Not yet." Gendo decided to play a waiting game. It was time he faced the Angel himself, head on.

"Commander…" Futsuyuki sounded unsure.

"What is it?"

"Belldandy…"

"What is it?" Gendo repeated irritably.

"She baked cookies for us, sir." Futsuyuki paused. "They are quite good."

"I…see." Gendo killed the connection and leaned back in his chair. _Baking cookies. Comparing recipes. Destroying Misato's beer. This is the most dangerous Angel we have ever faced. It seems I alone must stand against her._

* * *

Urd had gotten down the first hall about halfway when a flying squad of guards had turned in her direction. They had not seen her yet in the shadows, but that would change if they got closer. "Well, then," she whispered. "Time to use my secret weapon. This looks like a job for… Mini-Urd!" With that, and a popping noise, Urd shrank to only a few inches tall. 

The squad passed her, heading towards a bank of elevators. Urd silently leaped up and grabbed the last guard's radio pack, then climbed underneath it.

__

Kodama, eat your heart out, she smiled to herself. _Here I come, Belldandy!_

[Thanks for waiting! Chapter 4 to be up soon. Fly Me to the Sailor Moon.]


	4. When in Doubt, Hack

Had anyone seen Washu's face—anyone but the denizens of the Masaki household, who were used to it by now—they would have backed away, for she wore a demented grin. It was the expression Washu wore when she was geniuinely faced with a problem that she did not know the answer to instantly. 

Hacking was an old pastime of Washu's—in fact, she was far more responsible for the internet than a certain ex-vice president. Trying to get into NERV's central computer was proving to be no easy task. It seemed she was facing not one, but three computers, each with their own sophisticated security system. Washu also knew that, for every passing microsecond, she risked discovery. Momentarily stymied, she withdrew her probes and pondered what to do next.

"The best thing I can do," she said aloud, imagining if she was teaching Tenchi, "is analyze their attack pattern. The first computer trapped my probes in logic puzzles. The second computer simply blasted them to nothingness. The third…scolded my probes into withdrawing. Now that's insulting." Washu munched on a pocky stick. "Three different methods of defense. Three computers. I can attack one singly, or all three at once. What would you do, Tenchi?"

Washu pitched her voice slightly lower, imitating Tenchi. "Gee, Washu, I don't know. You're so much smarter than I am." 

Returning her voice to its normal high pitch, Washu continued, "That's because you're not a genius, Tenchi. Though you are cute. Now, if I attack one at a time, it leaves the others to flank me and destroy my hacking, and I will be discovered. But to attack all three at once leaves me spread very thin. I must succeed with one strike, or all three will combine and destroy me." Washu tapped her fingers against the shadowy keyboard. "There must be a way, Tenchi."

* * *

Gendo Ikari watched the clock intently and resisted the temptation to fidget. By making Belldandy wait, he would allow her imagination to run wild, thinking about all the things that Gendo was likely to do to her. She had, after all, incurred his wrath, mentally damaging Asuka and Rei—the effects of the latter were only now apparent. She had badly hurt Misato. Gendo had once considered removing the beer from Misato's house and drying her out, but then had a mental image of a berserk Misato roaming the halls of NERV with a machete. Belldandy was likely an Angel, a very insidious one, but she had taken the form of a human, which made her just as vulnerable as one. Gendo could well imagine what was going through her mind: the image of EVA-01 squeezing her tightly in one hand until she exploded he particularly liked. 

Nonetheless, he had decided to analyze his enemy's weapons as best he could. This included examining one of Belldandy's cookies. He had summoned Futsuyuki to his office with a sample; it would also allow him to see if the old professor had been adversely affected by the Angel.

Futusyuki had just reached the door to Gendo's office. He moved to one side to let the guard detail pass; with MAGI down, he and Gendo had decided it would be best to increase the security until it was back up. He nodded to the captain leading them, then turned as the last man passed and opened the door, walking in.

It was all the opportunity Urd needed. She had smelled the cookies the old man carried, and instantly recognized Belldandy's handiwork. Dropping soundlessly from the last soldier's pack, she dashed into the office on Futsuyuki's heels, then hid in a corner.

"Here you are, Commander," Futsuyuki said, handing Gendo a paper plate. "Try the chocolate chip ones, they're the best."

"Are you feeling any adverse effects?" Gendo inquired.

"Not at all." He stepped back from the desk. "Gendo, it could be that Belldandy is _not_ an Angel."

"It could be. It could also be that she is lulling us into a false state of confidence, then she will make her move. Has she made any attempts to subvert her guards or attempt to escape?"

"None."

"What is she doing now?"

"Waiting for you. Oh, and cleaning up the break room. She said it needed to be cleaned."

"For once, I agree with her." Gendo looked at Futsuyuki closely, but could detect nothing the matter with him…other than he seemed happier than usual. _The world is ending, and he is_ happy? Gendo grumbled to himself. _This is Project Evangelion; I cannot tolerate such a thing._ "I will keep her waiting another fifteen minutes." Then he remembered that the break room refrigerator could use a cleaning out as well. As far as he knew, the Alaskan king crab that Misato had brought back a year ago was still in there. "Make that another half hour. That should be long enough to analyze these." He motioned to the cookies, and his stomach involuntarily rumbled.

Futsuyuki smiled. "Yes, I can see that."

Gendo graced him with one of his icier stares—for Gendo, that was a serious thing. Futsuyuki knew when he was being dismissed. He turned and left, leaving Gendo alone with the cookies.

_I must resist_, he told himself. _It is surely her plan, these cookies. I must examine them very carefully._ He picked one up, and felt a sudden compulsion to devour it. He closed his eyes and slowly counted to ten, fighting down the urge. Opening his eyes, he began to look at the bottom of the cookie, then noticed movement in his office. Quickly, he swung around in his chair.

The woman that stood there was tall, perhaps even taller than he was. Or maybe it simply seemed that way, because most of her height was in her long, sinous legs. Her waist was thin, her breasts large but not overly so. Her face was beautiful, yet it was a terrible beauty, one that promised a great deal of pain if crossed. Around that face flowed, as lifted by some invisible wind, gossamer strands of silvery white hair. She was dressed in black leather that cut daring down to her navel and ended well above her knees. Gendo was rendered speechless for a moment—until he saw the markings just below her eyes, and between them. They were differently shaped than Belldandy's, but the resemblance—not to mention a definite family resemblance—was enough for Gendo to quickly put two and two together and get five.

Moving quickly, he jerked open a drawer of his desk and pulled from it a pistol. In one fluid motion, Gendo slid his chair back, stood, leveled the pistol, and fired three shots.

Urd put out a hand, her lips moving silently. The bullets slowed and stopped as they reached her hand, and she casually flicked them aside to land harmlessly on the floor. She then made a slight motion, and the gun flew from Gendo's hand to hers. She tossed it over her shoulder. 

Gendo Ikari was nothing if not smooth. He simply returned to his seat, steepled his hands, and regarded her cooly as she walked forward. "Who are you?"

"Some call me Urd," she said. "Others call me…Urd." She stopped in front of his desk. "And you must be Commander Ikari, the head person of this facility."

"I am." Gendo mentally went over the list of known Angels. There were none named Urd, but there were none named Belldandy either. "You are here for Belldandy, correct?"

"Yes. Tell me where she is."

"And if I do not?"

Urd smiled humorlessly. "Then it will go very badly for you."

Gendo's eyebrow raised a half-millimeter. _So. I have risked the life of Asuka, the daughter of one of the most brilliant minds I have known. I have risked the life of Rei, the repository of all I have left. And I have risked the life of Shinji, my own son. Now it is time I am tested. So be it. I am ready._ He stood, straightened his coat, and faced her resolutely. "Then I suggest you proceed, Miss Urd. You will find I am no easy target."

* * *

"Where is Urd? That big dummy! I knew she'd go wandering off!" Skuld paced atop the building. "You can't trust her to do anything!"

Keiichi had, to this point, ignored Skuld's rantings. Not because he did not agree with her—responsibility was not one of Urd's strong points—but because he felt something. "Skuld?"

"What?" Skuld snapped, irritated.

"Do you feel…" Keiichi's voice trailed off. "It's…Belldandy's here, Skuld. Somewhere close. I don't know _how_ I know…but she's here."

Skuld had deployed her All Purpose Belldandy Locator, but had not turned it on. Now that she was not screaming maledictions at Urd, she knew Keiichi was right. She felt a pang of jealousy that Keiichi, who was mortal, could sense her sister. Skuld knew he loved Belldandy, but could not quite bring herself to admit it. "I feel her too, Keiichi," she said quietly. "I'll turn on my APBL and that should pinpoint her." She turned her back on Keiichi, and adjusted the machine. It had a passive mode that would allow it to pick up Belldandy's signature without attracting attention.

"Skuld…" Keiichi sounded worried.

"Keiichi, I'm busy," she said, without malice. "These adjustments are tricky. They could detect us if I don't get it right."

"I don't think that's a problem."

Skuld rolled her eyes; sometimes Keiichi could be _that_ dense. "You should. We at Yggdrasil have very strict protocol things against being found out."

"I don't think that's a problem either."

"Oooh!" Skuld decided that her hammer would get the point across, and it would be quieter than a Skuld Bomb. She jumped to her feet, turned, and looked down the barrel of the largest gun she had ever seen. Of course, guns did tend to look bigger when they were pointed at one's head, but this one looked like Skuld could crawl into the bore. Mainly because she could, and bring Keiichi along for company.

Skuld was torn between horror, fear, and utter fascination. The barrel was attached to the gun, which was held by a huge, bright red humanoid mecha, which looked down at them with a hungry expression. "Don't you know this is a restricted building?" a voice boomed out. The gun turned minutely to face directly at Skuld. "But of course, _Angels_ wouldn't know that. Any last words?"

Keiichi threw his hands in the air. "How about 'don't shoot us, we surrender'?"

Asuka Langely Soryu smiled as her finger tightened on the trigger. EVA-03's fingers aped the motion. "Let me think about that one…nope! Eat rail slug—"

"Asuka, hold your fire!"

She sighed. "Dammit, Shinji! Get your hands off my rifle!"

"Asuka, look! They're just civilians in the wrong place—"

_"You_ look, Shinji! Look at the short kid! Look at her face; I've got it magnified on my screen! She looks like Belldandy! She's an Angel, and she's right on top of one of our weapon buildings!" The fact that Asuka was still yelling this out over her external speakers did not seem to worry her any, though everyone in Tokyo-3 could clearly hear her.

Keiichi certainly did. "Belldandy! You know where Belldandy is?" He jumped up and down, waving his arms. "Hey! Hey in there!"

"I'm not a kid!" Skuld yelled, readying a Skuld Bomb. If she could toss it down the barrel, that would make a rather big explosion. The fact that it might take out herself and Keiichi as well kept her from throwing it.

He was ignored. "_Gott im Himmel,_ Shinji! Either let go of my gun, or I will _make_ you let go, baka!" 

"Asuka, you're acting crazy!" Shinji knew that Asuka acted a little demented most of the time, but this was going too far. He brought up the image of the short girl in a secondary window. There definitely was a resemblance to Belldandy, but Shinji had already made up his mind that Belldandy was not an Angel. Not one out to destroy him and the world, at least. What he did not know was how to convince Asuka.

"I'll tell you everything," Keiichi pleaded, "just take me to Belldandy!"

"Shinji, let go! I don't care how good Belldandy's cinnamon rolls were—the Angels are here to destroy us all, you know that! She's just trying to get us to let our guard down!"

"Asuka, you—you know Belldandy—she cleaned up the house!" Shinji felt his will weakening. What if Asuka was right and it had all been a hoax? Shinji shook his head; he knew Belldandy was good. She had to be.

The barrel was now close enough that a single shot would annilihate everything on the roof if Asuka fired. Skuld saw the fingers still moving back and knew she had only seconds. She lifted the bomb, determined that if she and Keiichi died, she was going to take someone with them.

"Please!" Keiichi shouted at the mecha. "_I LOVE BELLDANDY!"_

Without warning, Asuka felt as if her left arm was being wrenched off, and EVA-03 twisted to one side involuntarily. _"Was im fich!"_ Asuka screamed, and turned. 

It was EVA-00, now holding Asuka's rifle. "Stop it." Rei's voice was several degrees colder than usual, and Asuka felt herself shiver involuntarily. "We must notify NERV security."

Asuka finally switched off the external speakers. "Wondergirl, I'm not fooling around with you, too—"

Rei pointed EVA-00's free hand at Keiichi. "I heard him very clearly. He is the one Belldandy has been speaking of."

"Rei, what if bringing those two together—how do we know it won't cause more problems?" Shinji asked.

"It will not. He loves her." Rei sounded so convinced that Shinji believed her.

"Oh, great." Asuka threw her hands up, not caring that EVA-03 did the same. "What the heck do you know about love, Rei?"

"What do you know of it, Asuka?" Rei replied cooly.

Asuka frowned as she heard Shinji calling in a NERV security detachment. "_Verdammt._ I hate it when she does that." She sighed and turned back to the people on the roof, turning the speakers back on. "All right, never mind. The local police are coming up here, and if you want to see Belldandy alive, you'll cooperate. Understand?" She saw the two nod, the boy doing so eagerly, and the girl reluctantly. "No lip, or I'll blow you back to where you came from, got it? _Sehr gut._" She noticed a third person on the roof, and zoomed in the magnification. It looked like a toy robot. "Say, that's kind of cute."

EVA-01 suddenly jerked upright, and Shinji was, for once, thankful that the LCL fluid cushioned the pilot from sudden blows. It turned in the direction of NERV, and Shinji could swear that he heard the EVA grinding its teeth. Before he could do anything further, EVA-01 began running at top speed for the hidden lift buildings. 

"Shinji, where do you think you're going?" Asuka shrilled.

"I don't know! I'm not in control of this thing!" He pulled on the controls, but other than making the EVA-01 develop a case of the shakes, nothing happened. The EVA accidentally kicked a car into an abandoned building. "Sorry," Shinji said automatically.

* * *

The car demolished the far corner of the building, but Washu barely looked up, lost in concentration. "Ryoko, knock it off or mommy will dunk you again," she said absently. Then the realization hit her, going something like this:

__

A: I scolded Ryoko because she was bothering me. 

__

B: The computer scolded my probes because it was being bothered.

A+B=C: This computer is a mother. No, not that kind of mother. Mother as in mommy. 

Ergo, C=D: These computers were invented by a woman. A very smart woman. Almost like a genius, like myself. Ergo, E: The other computer is a scientist. And since C (mother) had a motherly reaction, and E (scientist) had a scientific reaction, then F=computer is a woman, as it destroyed someone poking around in its personal space. 

Therefore, A+B+C+D+E+F=W: Washu controls all.

A loud cackle of triumph echoed through the building as once more, Washu's ability to leap logic in a single bound paid off.

* * *

Asuka felt strange for a moment. "Hey, Wondergirl. Did you feel as if as if hundreds of readers suddenly screamed at a fanfic to move faster, but were suddenly silenced by actually realizing it was?"

Rei's answer was short and to the point. "No." She paused. "What is wrong with Shinji?"

"His EVA's freaking out. Again." Asuka raised her voice. "Shinji, what are you doing? Kaji's got the security bunch here, and they're escorting them back to NERV. Quit screwing around."

"It's not me, dammit! It's like my EVA wants to get back into NERV too!"

"Why?"

"How should I know? It's like something really pissed it off!"

* * *

Gendo felt the sweat running off his brow. His glasses had slipped down around his nose again, but his arms were pinned. He could not move. He was trapped by a powerful force. He closed his eyes, and tried to find something to concentrate on, but he could not. He opened his eyes and tried to find part of the Seraphic Tree to look at, but that did not work, either. The fact was, the Angel—he was sure of that; no other being was capable of such maliciousness—had filled his vision.

And one part of Gendo Ikari had to admit that a black leather clad set of female buttocks was a rather nice thing to look at. _Indeed, far more rounded than Ritsuko's—_Gendo mentally slapped himself. _Stop it, Gendo! You must resist!_ He grabbed at the Angel's thighs, and caught himself thinking about how supple and yet so very strong they were, to be holding him to the ground.

"Hey!" Urd looked over her shoulder at him. "Careful with the hands there, Gendo…don't touch me so high." She licked her lips more than a little suggestively. "Unless you want more than just my legs."

"No!"

"Really?" She ground her bottom into his chest. "It can be all yours, Gendo Ikari…if you just tell me where Belldandy is." Her voice lowered huskily as she leaned back, thrusting her breasts into the air. "You know you want it. I want it…"

Gendo hit his head on the floor as hard as he could, the pain forcing out the temptation. "I…will not…yield!"

Urd sat up and sighed. "Too bad. You force me to use…" Urd reached into her blouse, which was being held together by a single button and a great deal of imagination. "You force me to use…this." She held up a long, white object.

Gendo's eyes went wide. "You wouldn't dare."

"One chance left. Where is Belldandy?"

Gendo's fists clenched and he braced himself. This was going to be very, very bad. "Do your worst, Angel."

"Very well." Urd had already removed Gendo's shoes and socks. She leaned forward, careful to keep Gendo firmly pinned beneath her, and stopped. She grinned back at Gendo fiercely. "Angel Feather Attack!" she laughed harshly, and began tickling.

* * *

Keiichi had submitted to the NERV guards' search silently; he had nothing to hide. Skuld was a different story. When one guard had gotten a little too interested in patting her down, she had objected. One Neo Skuld Bomb and one unconscious guard later, Skuld was hogtied and screaming threats at the rest, for Keiichi for not doing anything, and at Urd for getting her into this.

Ritsuko and a somewhat recovered Misato watched from a monitor as the guards headed down the long escalator into Central Dogma. "There's no doubt she's related to Belldandy," Ritsuko said. "The markings on her face, her abilities; there's even a family resemblance. A cousin, or a sister, perhaps."

Misato took another drink of her Yebisu. She closed her eyes in pure bliss for a moment, then returned her attention to the screen. "You think she's an Angel?"

Ritsuko looked at Misato. "You don't think she is?"

"They're sending kids at us now? C'mon, Ritsuko, the Angels can't be that desperate."

"Why not? We are." Ritsuko turned to Makato. "Contact Commander Ikari and tell him we have two of Belldandy's compatriots." She winked at Misato. "After what Rei did to herself, this should make his day."

Makato shook his head. "Still no answer, Doctor Akagi."

"Still?"

"Yes, ma'am. I've been trying to reach him ever since Shinji called in, but there's been no answer."

Misato crumpled the can and tossed it into a receptacle. "I'll go up to the Old Man's office, Ritsuko. I need the exercise." 

"Very well. Makato, get Subcommander Futsuyuki. With his permission, I'd like to bring Belldandy down here."

What Misato hadn't mentioned was that she needed some mental exercise as well. One part of her wanted to find Belldandy and tear her apart with her bare hands. No one, repeat no one, touched her beer. Even Pen Pen had left it alone after one incident, in which he had spent some time in the freezer. Another part of Misato, however, was a bit more rational. Belldandy had only meant the best, and psychotic Angels tended to not clean up their targets' apartment. Belldandy also had a golden opportunity to escape from the apartment—Misato was under no illusions of Shinji and Asuka's ability to stop her—but instead had called Kaji. From what Kaji had told her, he had found them with Belldandy applying cold compresses to her head. What was more, Misato had realized, once she had been revived with a beer, that her hangover was gone. Something did not add up that Belldandy was evil. Which meant that she had been telling the truth all along. 

Misato reached Gendo's office and was about to knock when she heard something. Leaning closer to the door, her eyes widened, and she nearly passed out for the second time today.

Gendo was laughing. Not only that, he was nearly hysterical.

Misato quickly keyed in her command override on the door lock. Theoretically, she wasn't supposed to know how to do this, but there was a lot about NERV that Misato wasn't supposed to know about. The door slid open, and Misato could not take another step in utter and complete shock.

Gendo Ikari was beneath a beautiful, well-endowed woman dressed in black leather which looked dangerously close to bursting open. He was pounding the floor and screaming in mirth as the woman intently tickled his feet with a feather.

"Give up?" the woman said, grinning. "Don't make me bring out the oven mitts!"

"Aaagh!" Gendo was having trouble gaining breath. "All right! Bell—Belldandy is in—" Both of them stopped, frozen, looking at an equally frozen Misato.

"What in the hell is going on?" Misato said slowly.

Urd looked up, presented with the problem of keeping Gendo under control and getting rid of the other woman. Gendo, noticing his opponent to be temporarily distracted, threw all his weight into rolling to the right. Urd, taken by surprise, let out an oath and crashed to the floor.

"Torment _me,_ dare you!" Gendo grabbed Urd by the front of her dress, which was a mistake on his part. The only string holding it together snapped, and the tunic came open, exposing Urd from neck to navel for all the world to see, which at this point included Gendo and Misato—and Futsuyuki and Belldandy, who happened to be passing by on their way to the control room.

Futsuyuki's eyebrows rose. "Commander, what are you—who is—" He stopped himself. "No, don't tell me. I don't want to know." 

Belldandy's grin became so big Misato wondered if her face would split. "Urd!"

Urd looked over Gendo's shoulder and waved. "Hey, Bell." She then slapped Gendo across the face, hitched up her blouse, and retied it. "Hmpf. I'm not that kind of girl." She turned her back imperiously on Gendo, who was now intently looking for his glasses, and tried to walk over to Belldandy. Misato stopped her with an outstretched hand.

"You are meddling with powers you cannot understand," Urd warned darkly.

Misato's eyes twitched. "I think I understand your powers _perfectly_. This is a new low, even for the Angels."

"It's all right," Belldandy assured her, "this is my sister, Urd."

"Oh, wonderful," Misato said. "There's two more of them." At Gendo's look—he had retrieved his glasses—she thumbed in Central Dogma's general direction. "The Children caught another of Belldandy's sisters outside on Armaments Building Three. The other one's a kid named Skuld."

"That dumb kid," Urd sighed. "How many of your men did she blow up with her bombs?"

"You came for me?" Belldandy's eyes were shining with tears. "All of you?"

Urd grinned. "Well, of course. We _are_ sisters. Besides, Keiichi would have never have forgiven us, even if Kami-sama would."

Belldandy's hands clasped before her, and a tear spilled out from one eye. "Keiichi? Keiichi's here?"

Misato debated telling her, then decided at the least, she'd get one up on this platinum haired bimbo even if it caused Third Impact. "Yeah, your lover boy's downstairs."

"Oh, please, Futsuyuki-sama, take me to Keiichi! I must see him."

Futsuyuki turned to Gendo. Gendo walked forward, looking from Urd to Belldandy. He held up the feather, a very sinister look on his face. Urd scratched the back of her head. "Uh, well, you know I love my sister and all, and you weren't talking, so uhm…" He snapped the feather in half and handed it back to her. Urd half-smiled, then saw that Gendo's look did not change. He made a gesture, one which clearly meant for Urd to turn around. Sighing, she did so. She yelped as Gendo hit her as hard as he could on her leather-clad bottom. "That hurt, dammit!" she complained.

"Take them downstairs," Gendo coldly ordered Futsuyuki. "Belldandy may be reunited with this…Keiichi."

Futsuyuki smiled. "Thou hast a heart after all," he said in Latin.

"Bite me," Gendo replied in the same language. Futsuyuki chuckled and began leading off a half-skipping Belldandy and a hobbling Urd. Gendo then turned to Misato, who was fighting off a smile and not succeeding. "You saw nothing, Major."

"Yes, sir." She squelched a titter of laughter. "Were you enjoying it?"

"Do you enjoy being a Major, Miss Katsuragi?"

"Sir." She turned around and walked ahead of him.

The main catwalk in the EVA holding chamber were crowded with people. Misato, Gendo, Futsuyuki, and Ritsuko stood behind Shinji, Rei, and Asuka—MAGI would be back up soon, so Ritsuko had called back the EVAs, mainly since EVA-01 had been seemingly bent on crawling back down the launch shaft on its own volition. Even now, Ritsuko could swear that 01 was staring holes through Gendo, who shifted uncomfortably next to Belldandy and Urd. About twenty feet down the catwalk, Keiichi and Skuld stood in front of Kaji's flying squad of NERV security. 

"Belldandy!" Keiichi called out happily, waving.

"Kei-chan!" Belldandy called back, and burst through the line, nearly running over Asuka in the process. No one dared stop her. Kaji, with a grin, gave Keiichi a slight push forward, not that Keiichi needed encouragement. The two met in the middle, Keiichi lifting Belldandy off her feet and spinning her around. Both were laughing and crying at the same time. They embraced and shared a deep, passionate kiss, neither caring about the eyes on them; they had eyes only for each other.

An invisible wave of magic spread out from the couple, touching everyone in Tokyo-3. Just for a moment, the heavy weight of their lives lifted from the people, an indescribable feeling of happiness like the first breath of spring. 

Shinji shyly reached out and took Rei's hand, who just as shyly accepted it. Shinji found his other hand being occupied by Asuka's, who whispered "Mama," so quietly she believed Shinji did not hear it. Misato's eyes locked with Kaji's for a moment, and they shared a smile they had not since the days they had been lovers. Futsuyuki put a fatherly hand on Ritsuko's shoulder, who marveled at the wonder of people. Even Gendo's hard features softened slightly, and he felt the glare from EVA-01 lessen to something resembling warmth. Above them, the three technicians engaged in a fierce group hug. Urd sighed wistfully, and Skuld, for once, said nothing about Belldandy being too close to Keiichi.

Predictably, the moment could not last. Unnoticed by everyone in NERV, the MAGI diagnostic screens came online, reading that the task had been completed.

"MINE! MINE! ALL MINE! MY PRECIOUS!" The nasal voice whipcracked through the air, causing everyone to cringe and instantly killing the mood. The three technicians looked at their screens in horror. Maya Ibuki, trembling, reached for the intercom. "Commander Ikari, Dr. Akagi, Subcommander Futsuyuki, Major Katsuragi…oh, hell, everybody get up here. This may not be Houston, but we do have a problem."

Everyone, including the three Goddesses and Keiichi, ran up to the control center, crowding around the monitors (all except Skuld, who instantly fell hopelessly in love with the banks of computers surrounding her). "What is _that?_" Gendo snarled through clenched teeth.

Urd peered closer, leaning over—which caused a problem for Shinji, who was presented with a pair of large breasts next to his left cheek. "I know her," she said. 

Asuka firmly ground her heel into Shinji's foot. He stifled a yell of pain and looked accusingly at her. "Eyes front, ecchi," she hissed. "Besides, what's she got that I don't, huh?"

Shinji extricated his foot. "Nothing, Asuka," he whispered. _But she has more of them,_ he added silently.

Urd snapped her fingers. "Of course! That's Washu!"

"Who?" at least three people said.

"It is I, Washu the Magnificent!" Washu had accessed the controls that allowed for two-way communication. "I, Washu the Great, the Finest Scientist in the World—nay, the Universe!" She looked at her own shoulders for a moment, then sighed. "Forgot them at home. Oh, well, I can do my own paeans. I am Washu, First Lady of Science! Daughter of a demon lover! Empress of the Interface! Priestess of the pagan mother! Ancient Queen of Inner Space!"

"And just a little modest," Makato quipped. He screamed as he was electrocuted through his keyboard.

"No, no! Don't screw with Washu the Terrible, little boy!" She noticed Urd. "Oh, hi, Urd! How are those potions going these days?"

"Peorth said you were behind this," Urd said. 

"Er, yes. It was an accident, I swear." Washu looked penitent. "Anyhow, I know where Belldandy is—" The crowd parted to reveal Belldandy, who waved at Washu. "Oh. Poopie. Here I went to all this trouble to take over this computer, and you went and found her. This is what I get for trying to help."

Ritsuko's mouth fell open. "Take _over_ MAGI? That's impossible!"

"Maybe for _you_, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. For Washu, the Virtual Goddess, nothing is impossible!" She grinned. "Oh, don't take it so hard. You gave me the best challenge I've had in about five or six weeks, and that's pretty good for such primitive technology."

_"Primitive?!"_

Gendo massaged his temples, wondering if Third Impact could not possibly come any sooner. "Listen, Washu—"

"That's Washu-sama to you, boy, unless you want everyone to hear about what you keep in your desk."

Gendo paled. "Washu…sama. We would very much like it if you would relinquish control of MAGI. It is a very vital piece of equipment. NERV needs it to defend this world from a terrible threat. Now that you have found Belldandy, you can stop your infiltration."

"Oh, all right. I suppose so." Washu looked up at Belldandy. "Hello there, Belldandy. Peorth's told me all about you. Are you all right?"

Belldandy smiled and nodded. "I am now, Miss Washu."

"Well, that's just great. I really am sorry about the inconvienence. It was my occasionally doltish daughter's fault. So the least I can do is offer you a ride home."

"Thank you very much, Miss Washu," Belldandy said, bowing deeply.

"Okay, Dr. Akagi, I will be returning MAGI to you presently, though we really should talk about your firewall protection—" Washu was cut off by an alarm. She looked up. "I didn't do it." They saw her frantically checking for something, her face intent. "Dr. Akagi, I hate to admit that I don't know everything, but…what does a blue pattern mean?"

Misato whirled to look back at Belldandy. "Do you have any other sisters?"

"N-no," Belldandy stammered. 

Maya had taken a chance and checked the readouts. "It's no goddess this time, Dr. Akagi. We have a definite blue pattern detection, twenty kilometers north-northwest of Tokyo-3. It just appeared, and it's not skipping like Belldandy's signature was. It's steady and it's solid."

"Washu-sama," Gendo said, "patch us into JSSDF's satellite network. I need a visual." Washu, for once, did not argue, and complied.

At first, there was nothing but the verdant, green hills northwest of the city. Then a black wave topped the hill and spread outward, leaving behind it dessicated trees. At magnification, they could see animals fleeing for their lives from the wave. From the wave arose a giant of black shadow, with no discernable features besides two white-hot, glowing eyes. It did not walk so much as it glided, with tendrils of darkness flowing from its sides. Such was the menace it projected that everyone, even Urd, took a step back from the screens.

Except Gendo. He turned and shared a knowing look with Futsuyuki. "Azrael," he said.

Futsuyuki nodded. "The Angel of Death."

Washu looked pensive. "That's bad, isn't it?"

[Bad da dum. I will have Chapter Five up as soon as I can find time to write it! Tune in (i.e. log on) as the EVA Children suit up to do battle with the embodiment of Death! Witness the arrival of the Fourth Child—well, okay, it's Keiichi and Banpei, but anyway…]


	5. Death and EVAs

[Welcome to the fifth chapter of "Oh My Evangelion!" Sorry it took so long...the author was without computer for a month. Oh, the humanity!]

  


_ Well, here we go again,_ Shinji Ikari thought as the plug filled with LCL. He would never quite get used to it.

"EVAs," Misato Katsuragi said, "here's the low down on Azrael. It's not called the Angel of Death for nothing. It has many powers, including that of the ability to manipulate shadows."

"Not again," Shinji groaned.

"Well, not quite that bad, Shinji," Misato answered. "It does exist on this plane. But it can grab you and smother you with those shadows, so be careful. You probably don't want to get too close, so make sure you hit it with ranged attacks. Also, it's rumored that it can assume a humanoid form, so don't let it sucker you in by wanting to fight close up. Hear that, Asuka?"

"_Ja, ja._ Can we go now?"

"Head for the launch bays, then." Shinji manuevered the bulky EVA forward, glad that whatever gremlin had controlled it earlier seemed to be gone. "Shinji, you and Asuka will deal with it from medium range. Rei, you'll attack from long range. Watch your tacticals." 

"We have done this before, Misato," Asuka sighed.

"Yeah? So why do you keep getting pounded into the pavement? Anyway, I have some good news. Apparently you'll have some backup this time around."

Shinji brightened. "Who, Misato?"

"The Goddesses and that Keiichi kid."

"Keiichi?!" Asuka expostulated. "He's worse than Shinji! He can't even get out of his own way!"

"HEY!" Shinji yelled. He threw a nasty look in Asuka's direction as they reached the launch elevators.

"Well, it's true," Asuka said with a trace of smugness. "I mean, Shinji whines a lot, but that Keiichi..." "Never mind that now! EVAs, launch!"

As Shinji was slammed back into his seat by the G-forces of the launch, he thought he heard Rei say a single word: "Idiots."

  


"Really, Commander Ikari. We feel terrible about what happened. We'd like to make amends." Belldandy looked very contrite, a look that would melt even an icy heart like Gendo Ikari's.

Gendo folded his hands behind his back and stared down at her. "What did you have in mind?"

"If this is truly Azrael, than your pilots will have a lot of difficulty. We Goddesses are not without magical ability–"

"We hadn't noticed," Misato deadpanned. "Look, Belldandy, bygones can be bygones. We made a mistake with you, fine. But there's no reason for you to get involved in this. I don't think the ability to clean an apartment with a glance and bake cookies is going to do much against that." She pointed to the image of Azrael on the monitors.

Belldandy opened her mouth to reply, but Urd interrupted her. "Maybe not, but I can put the hurt on that thing, big time."

"What are you gonna do, seduce it?" Misato grinned.

Urd took a step forward, looking directly at Misato. Her eyes flashed red, and Misato swallowed, having got just a glance at what lay behind those eyes. It was raw, naked power. "Do not take me for some conjurer of tricks, Misato Katsuragi. I have far more weapons at my disposal than those of Eros."

"Well, since you put it that way..."

"I'm pretty handy with a radio," Keiichi put in. "I can help your techs out. Just put me on top of the roof with some good binoculars, and I can help guide your pilots."

Misato was about to say that her pilots didn't need that sort of help, but Skuld marched up, wiping a bit of drool from her mouth. She desperately wanted to take the MAGI apart, but knew there wasn't time. "I've got a better idea, Keiichi. There's something I've been saving for just such an occasion." She outlined her plan.

"You're kidding," Misato said when she finished. 

"_Please_ tell me you're kidding." Keiichi added.

"Hey, that's a great idea," Washu said from the monitor. "Let me get down there and I'll help you out."

"I don't think that's a good–" Ritsuko began, but a sudden whine filled the air. A glowing column of phosphors appeared, with coincentric waves of blue energy expanding from it. The NERV personnel shrank away from it, but the only thing that appeared was Washu. She grinned up at Ritsuko.

"How did you do that?" Makato said, mouth hanging open.

"Oh, that? You mean you don't–oh, wait, that's right. I forgot, you haven't developed the transporter yet. Such a simple invention, really." She turned to Skuld and bowed. "Washu the Great, at your service, young Goddess."

Skuld returned the bow, more deeply than Washu had. "It's my honor to work with you, Washu."

"Okay, let's get to work. Dr. Akagi, may we use the EVA bays for a workspace?"

"We promise to clean up the mess," Skuld said. Ritsuko, who had one shock too many this day, dumbly nodded. "Okay, Keiichi, let's get you suited up."

"Oh, no," Keiichi groaned.

"And I'll go help the kiddies kick some ass," Urd said, cracking her knuckles. "If one of you could show me the way out, I'd be eternally grateful."

Instantly, every man within earshot stood up to help Urd, but Gendo sent them back to their seats with a glare. "I shall help you find the exit, Miss Urd," he said frostily.

  


Shinji ran a quick diagnostic on his pulse rifle. "EVA-01, in position."

Asuka spun the two pistols in her EVA's hands. "EVA-02, in position and ready to rock."

Rei slowly scanned the area in front of her EVA, the positronic sniper rifle braced against one of Tokyo-3's lower buildings. "EVA-00 in position."

"Okay," Misato replied. "You should get a visual in about ten seconds."

Asuka peered around the building in front of her. There was a low, wooden ridge just on the outskirts of the city. As she watched, the black tendrils slid over the top of it, then the shadowy head of Azrael topped the ridge. It had no neck; it just seemed to rise up out of the ground, getting larger and larger the whole time. Despite herself, Asuka felt fear in the pit of her stomach. "Look at the size of that thing," she whispered.

"Cut the chatter, EVA-02. Let him get over the ridge, then blast him."

"_Jawohl._" Asuka fought down the fear, waited for the right moment, then came out from behind the building. Azrael turned in her direction, eyes glowing, and a huge, grinning mouth appeared, fangs the size of redwoods filling a gray void. "Smile, you son of a bitch!" Asuka yelled, and opened fire. The EVA's weapons appeared to be standard issue Desert Eagles, but each fired a fifty millimeter cannon shell at high velocity. The shots struck Azrael, first in the right arm, but Asuka adjusted her aim and put the next shots between its eyes. 

Azrael flopped backwards, the fanged mouth disappearing in an orange explosion, but the explosion was almost instantly smothered by a bubble of darkness. The head reformed, and Azrael grinned at her again. "Oh, _schiesse,_" Asuka said. "I don't know what I did to him, but I think I made him mad."

"Eat this!" Shinji shouted, and came out from his position, rifle spitting fire. These shots tore into Azrael's back, but like Asuka's fire, were absorbed almost instantly. Azrael did turn away from Asuka to face Shinji. A fusillade of black spears flew from the angel's body; Shinji dodged a few of them, but enough hit EVA-01 to knock it over. The spears coalesced into tendrils that tightened around EVA-01's limbs. Shinji screamed, the neural feedback sending pain into his own body as the tendrils began slicing deep into the EVA's armor. Shinji, acting on instinct, threw his machine backward. The sudden movement threw Azrael off-balance, and the angel jerked forward, directly into Rei's line of sight.

"Target acquired," Rei said flatly. "Firing." She braced the EVA against the recoil of the huge rifle, and fired. The energy blast spiraled out of the cannon and struck Azrael in the side, twisting the angel around. It hit the ground, flattened momentarily, then sprang back up. "Shot ineffective. Adjusting aim. Firing." Rei pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. "Misfire." She quickly thumbed a row of switches on and off. "Recalibrating."

"Hurry up, Rei!" Shinji yelled. Her first shot had stopped Azrael from tearing EVA-01 apart, but the angel still had him literally tied up.

Rei squinted down the sight. "Target reacquired. Firing." Again, nothing happened. "Misfire."

"As usual, I've got to save Baka Shinji's ass!" Asuka rolled out from behind the building and opened fire, going low for the angel's legs, if it had any. Azrael shuddered, bent over slightly, and used its tendrils to sling Shinji into the nearest building. It then let go, and turned to face Asuka once more. She exhausted her pistols' magazines and fell back. "It's absorbing my fire and that's not fair, dammit! Wondergirl! Shoot this bastard!"

"I would," Rei replied calmly, "but I have a burnout creepage in my rifle. I cannot fire."

"Then grab another gun! Do I gotta think of everything around here?! Misato, I need some weapons here! Shinji! Get off your butt and gun him!"

"Shinji's down," Misato reported. "Stay calm, Asuka! There's a weapons building behind you, 500 yards. Move it!"

Asuka turned and ran for the building. Azrael glided smoothly along behind her, tendrils shooting out once more. They wrapped around EVA-02's legs and sent it smashing into the ground. Asuka rolled, coming up on her back. She dug her left hand into the street, ripping up pavement, and reached for her Progressive Knife with her right. Azrael simply added more tendrils, trapping her arm against her chest. "It's got me, Misato!" Asuka shrilled.

Urd roared down the deserted streets on her borrowed motorcycle, Gendo's last words to her burning in her mind. She had been severely tempted to slap him down for impertience, but his explanation had stayed her hand. _He has a point,_ Urd admitted. _I am a Goddess, and I suppose I owe him a wish for the tickle torture. No one's used that in awhile...I hope Kami-sama doesn't get too cheesed off._ She smiled. _And I have to admit that the beard's kinda sexy, now that you mention it. Reminds me of Ulysses..._

Ahead of her, she saw the red armor of EVA-02 as it was inexorably dragged back down the street towards Azrael. She shook her head. "By Kami, if that's not Azrael, he's sure acting like him." She reached up and adjusted the headset she had hastily taken from NERV. "Hey, Asuka, can you hear me, kid?"

"Who the hell is this?" came the reply.

"Your friendly neighborhood Urd. I'm coming up on your left side. Looks like he's got you."

"No shit, Urd! He's gonna smother me if I get drawn much closer to him!"

Urd took the next curve at ninety kph, trusting to her latent chariot-racing instincts to keep the bike upright. She cut to one side of the EVA suit and slid the bike to a stop. "He's not going to smother you, Asuka."

The tendrils stopped pulling, and Asuka looked up into the most hideous grin she had ever seen. She felt those glowing eyes on her, and groaned as the arm trapped against her chest was brutally slammed to one side, back onto the pavement, leaving her EVA spreadeagled. "Well, that's a relief!" she snapped back, sarcasm dripping from her words. "What's he gonna do, kiss me?"

"Sort of...if he's anything like the Azrael I know back home, he likes redheads." Urd paused. "And I think he's going to do more than kiss you, kiddo."

Asuka looked down towards the bottom of her EVA. "AAAAHHHH!!! _ECCHI!_"

"Relax." Urd stepped off the bike. "I've got him." She quickly cast a spell, so that her next words boomed out over Tokyo-3. "Hey, Azrael!" The angel stopped and looked at her. "That's right, you pervert! Why don't you take on someone your own size?!" Azrael kept hold of EVA-02, but moved toward Urd. "Yeah, that's it, step right up! Today's flavor is a little something I call...SUPER URD BOLT!"

Thunder boomed and lightning crackled down from the heavens. The bolts sizzled into Azrael, slicing off bits of shadow. The angel shook, stopped for a moment, then kept moving. "Okay, fine," Urd smiled. "So you can shrug off Urd Bolts. Even Mara can do that. But can you handle...SUPER URD BOLT LIGHTNING BALL!"

This time, huge globes of ball lightning tore out of the clouds to hurtle into the angel. It sliced it in half, causing the tentacles to fizzle into nothingness and releasing EVA-02. Azrael collapsed into itself, but almost as quickly, it reformed, briefly becoming two Azraels before coming together as a single one. Urd gulped. "O-oookay...so you're, uh, so you're tough. I guess I'll have to pull out all the stops." She stood in place and chanted, ignoring the little black tendrils that began reaching out for her. Urd splayed her arms wide, then brought them together and focused her complete attention on Azrael. "Now you're gonna get it, boooiiieee! SUPER..."

Azrael paused as energy roared to life around Urd.

"URD..."

Pieces of pavement began to spring up around her and hurtle upwards. Her hair billowed out in a silvery nimbus and began to glow.

"CRUSHING..."

Her eyes glowed an unholy blue. Azrael drew back.

"_TACNUKE!!!"_

At NERV, Ritsuko, Misato, and the rest of the staff turned away from the viewscreen as the flash temporarily overloaded the screen's ability to compensate. It cleared soon enough to static. "We've lost visual," Maya reported.

"Electromagnetic pulse wave spreading outwards," said Makato. "We're going to have massive property damage for at least 300 yards around ground zero." The shockwave made even Central Dogma shudder. 

"What else is new?" sighed Misato.

"That idiot," Ritsuko breathed. "If we wanted that, we could've used a damn N2 mine."

"But an N2 mine is not magical," Gendo said from behind her. "The property damage is negiligible, compared to destroying the angel." He smiled thinly.

Misato looked back at him mischievously. "I think Commander Ikari likes Urd," she whispered to Ritsuko.

"Hmpf. She has nothing that I do not have," Ritsuko hissed back.

"But she has more of–"

"We've lost all local cameras," Maya said, "but we've rerouted the video feed through EVA-02. We're still getting steady lifesigns from Asuka, so she survived. Visual feed on."

At first, all they could see was more static. Asuka's voice faded in. "...what the HELL were you thinking, Urd! I was in the middle of that!"

Urd's disembodied voice came into the transmission. "Quit your bitching, kid. I destroyed the damn angel, didn't I? And Skuld can whip up some new legs for your tinkertoy mecha there, no problem. Or did you _want_ to star in 'Evangelion: The Hentai'?"

The visual cleared to white, and then they could see the red chest of EVA-02. "Ah, shut up! Next time, how about some warning!"

"Yeah, yeah. Like my Gokuesque casting wasn't enough. Can you see his itty bitty remains, Asuka?"

"It's clearing...boy, Tokyo-3 Central Bank is going to need a whole bunch of screen doors...wait, I see something...boosting visual feed..."

The white dust from the explosion suddenly cleared. Still grinning, eyes still glowing like coals, Azrael stood triumphantly over EVA-02. It seemed even larger than before. 

"Target remains." Asuka's voice came out as a squeak. "Target...REMAINS!"

"I think we're in trouble," Misato said.

  


Azrael's eyes narrowed. As they watched, it took on even more of a humanoid appearance, growing discernible muscles, arms, fingers, legs, and feet. Asuka quickly grabbed for her Progressive Knife, but Azrael brought one huge foot down on EVA-02's chest. Ignoring Asuka's feeble attempts to wrench it off, Azrael reached out, its arm growing incredibly long, and snatching up Urd before the goddess could react. Even if she could, the huge Tacnuke spell had virtually exhausted her. Clutching her in one solid, black hand, it pulled Urd to within feet of its eyes. Its grin widened as tendrils roiled across Urd's body. "Don't you have something better to do?" Urd gasped. She remembered what Misato had said earlier, and mentally shrugged. "Say, Azrael, big boy...maybe I was hasty. Yeah, I shot before I thought. How about you shrink down to a more manageable size, and we can go back to my place. I've got champagne, and a nice soft bed, and..." She noticed its mouth beginning to open. "Uh...I can understand you're hungry and all, but you know, Keiichi makes a wicked tempura–"

Suddenly, a blur of blue armor sailed across Urd's field of vision. Azrael's foot dug out divots of armor from EVA-02 as it was sent flying into the ruins of a building. The black fist dissipated and Urd floated gently to the ground. Rei had arrived.

Before Azrael could regain its feet or reform, Rei delivered a devastating kick to its chest, smashing it through the remains of the building's lobby and into the basement. She then turned and dropped down on top of the angel, leading with her elbow, which tore into Azrael's chest. Rising up from the weakly stirring angel, Rei drew her Progressive Knife, the serrated blade extending outwards from the sheath. Rei readied the knife for a fatal plunge.

"I never thought I'd say this," Asuka yelled, "but you go, Wondergirl!"

"In the name of NERV," Rei intoned solemnly, "I shall punish you." She stabbed the knife downwards with both hands.

Two arms coalesced out of Azrael's chest and stopped the knife before it could strike. Rei actually gritted her teeth and redoubled her efforts, and the knife sunk a foot closer. But more arms appeared, wrapping around EVA-00's wrists. Abruptly, the arms twisted upwards, throwing EVA-00 over its head and sending it sprawling into a building. Rei twisted in midair to land on her feet, but the power cord connecting her EVA to NERV snapped. Alarms went off, announcing that she now only had battery power left, and it was rapidly depleting. Rei ignored it. She had lost her knife somewhere, but she balled EVA-00's fists and charged.

Azrael had flattened into a shadow and then grown back into its normal form to face Rei head-on. It raised a foot to kick her, but was suddenly thrown backwards.

"I'm not dead yet, _dummkopf!"_ Asuka yelled. She had flipped her EVA over and knocked Azrael's feet out from under it. "Let him have it, Rei!"

Rei smashed Azrael with a series of blows, but Azrael simply absorbed them, its form stretching to take the hits. It returned the favor with a roundhouse punch that sent EVA-00 rocking back to land with a crash on the pavement. It then flowed out of Asuka's grasp, and if suddenly remembering what it had come to Tokyo-3 to do, turned and began striding towards NERV.

  


"Wake up, Shinji."

"Huhhh?"

"You have to get up, Shinji." The voice was soothing but insistent. "You have to wake up, Shinji. Your friends need you. I need you to wake up."

"Mom...?"

Shinji's eyes slowly opened. The taste of blood in the LCL was more potent than usual, and then he realized it was because his nose was bleeding. He reached up a hand to staunch it as best he could. "Shinji, are you awake? Wake up!" Abruptly, he realized it had not been his mother, but Misato's voice. _Wow, that seemed so real..._

"I'm awake, Misato," he said. As blinked, the systems of EVA-01 began to flicker back to life as well. 

"Are you all right?"

"I think so." He tried moving the EVA's limbs. They did so, but slowly. "I'm in a lot of wreckage...I think a building collapsed on top of me."

"Get out of there, Shinji. Rei and Asuka are down. So's Urd. Azrael's tearing us a new one."

Shinji shook his head, to clear the last of the cobwebs. He began climbing out of the debris of the fallen building.

  


"You have _got _to be kidding," Keiichi said. Despite the situation, Belldandy giggled. Keiichi turned red. "Bell, you're not helping."

"I'm sorry, Kei-chan, but...you look so cute!"

Washu studied Keiichi with obvious interest. "I have to admit, he _is_ kind of attractive. Nice legs, good back. Reminds me of someone I know."

Skuld snorted. "Yeah, whatever. Look, we're running out of time, so let's go, Keiichi." She grabbed one arm and began dragging Keiichi towards the EVA launch bays. Belldandy and Washu followed. 

"Skuld, remind me why I'm wearing this...thing," Keiichi said as he stumbled along behind an insistent Skuld. 

"It's simple, Keiichi," Skuld said, with the tone one would use with a slow three-year old. "Banpei runs off of nickel-cadmium batteries, and he has a lot of computers running at the same time in his brain and body. That gives off a lot of heat, just like your computer when you run all those nasty programs that Belldandy isn't supposed to know about."

Keiichi's eyes widened as Belldandy's eyebrows beetled in cute confusion. "Oh, did I say that aloud?" Skuld said with a savage smile. "Well, anyhow, in his present form, he gives off a _lot_ of heat."

"Several hundred degrees kelvin," Washu added proudly.

"Yeah. We insulated the cockpit, of course, but it's gonna get hot in there when you use Banpei's weapons. And since we don't want you passing out, you have to be dressed appropriately."

"And I got the idea from a science-fiction game," Washu said. "It's genius, of course."

"But does it have to be so...small?" As they entered the EVA launch bay, Keiichi looked down at himself again. He wore racing gloves, which had wires all over them, and a vest made of soft fabric, with tubing attached to the front of it. That covered his chest. He wore slipperlike boots, which covered his feet and ankles. And he wore a pair of Speedos. And that was it.

Washu nodded. "I'm afraid so. You're going to be sweating a lot in there."

"In where."

"Right here!" Skuld exclaimed. "Behold! The Skuld-Washu Anti-Angel Destroyer Mecha Mark VI, the King Banpei!"

Keiichi followed Skuld's expansive gesture. Standing on one of the mammoth catwalks was Banpei, Skuld's pride and joy robot invention. He did not look all that different–to Keiichi, he still resembled a skeletal art body of an ancient Japanese _ashigaru_ peasant soldier–but Banpei had grown. He now stood a good four stories tall, just slightly smaller than an EVA. 

"Wow," Belldandy said. "I'm impressed all over again, Skuld."

"I have to admit I couldn't have done it without Washu," Skuld acknowledged. "She figured out how to rebuild Banpei larger and more powerful...plus we had to put in a different motive system...and then there was the cockpit..."

"Bu-but, how did you...in fifteen minutes..."

Washu waved away Keiichi's stammering question. "It's just boring science facts, Keiichi-san. You should really just relax."

"But not too much," Ritsuko's voice boomed out over the loudspeaker. "Rei just ran out of power, and though Asuka's slowing it down some, Azrael will still be here in five minutes. Get that monstrosity out my hangar bay and into action!" _If nothing else,_ Ritsuko added silently to herself, _it'll either buy Shinji enough time to get here, or it'll kill Azrael with laughter._

"WHAT did you just call my Banpei?!" Skuld cried.

"She's right," Washu said. "Better get the show on the road. The cockpit's up in Banpei's head, Keiichi. Just hop in the lift and climb in. The cockpit is configured like a motorcycle, and Skuld tells me you're a fair rider."

"Fair?" Keiichi smiled. If there was anything in the world he was good at, it was riding motorcycles. "Yeah, I get by."

"Then go to it, boy!" Washu slapped him on the rear and handed him a motorcycle helmet.

Keiichi ran towards the lift. As he jumped on, Belldandy stopped him for a moment. She looked into his eyes, her own shining. "Good luck, Kei-chan." She kissed him on the cheek, then decided that wasn't enough. She embraced him and hit Keiichi with a liplock that nearly took his breath away. Fear running through her body, Belldandy clutched Keiichi as close as she could, trying to infuse him with all the strength she possessed. She wanted Keiichi to be with her forever, and began crying because now he had to battle the Angel of Death, and there might not be another time, ever.

Meanwhile, blood could not get to Keiichi's brain as Belldandy nearly smothered him. That did not particularly bother him, as death by goddess embrace was far more preferable than death by giant shadowy angel, but he disconcertingly noted that the blood not getting to his brain was flowing somewhere else. "Bell," he croaked out through her kiss, "stop it before it comes off."

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I love you."

"I love you too." Keiichi could not resist a wink. "I'll be back."

"I'll be waiting."

Then Keiichi rapidly turned around and donned his motorcycle helmet before anyone, specifically Skuld, noticed.

"What are you staring at, Washu?" Skuld asked.

"Hmm? Oh, nothing." Washu sighed, looking at Belldandy. "Ah, some women have all the luck. Oh, well." She shrugged. "Ready, Skuld?"

"Ready! Keiichi, are you strapped in?"

"Yeah!" Keiichi's voice crackled over Skuld's headset. "Hey, this setup isn't too bad, Skuld. Just like a Yamaha YZR500."

"Is it? What a coincidence." Skuld had dismantled one of the bikes in NERV's garage, and didn't want everyone knowing just yet. "To move forward, just move the control bar forward. Speed is controlled through the throttles and brakes the same way. To move the arms, just use your hands. The gloves operate the hands. Oh, and you can jump; just kick the pedals. You've got weapons which are listed on the dashboard. The weapons are voice-activated, and, uh, we had to install them in a hurry, so be sure to yell out which weapon you're using so Banpei knows, okay?"

Washu stared at Skuld. "We didn't install voice activated weapons," she whispered. "You just–"

"Shhh...just tell that Dr. Akagi we're ready."

  


Ritsuko Akagi shook her head. "Just when I think I've seen everything in this job."

Gendo nodded. "Desperate times request desperate measures."

Misato looked back at him. "I sure hope we know what we're doing."

"With two EVAs and that...thing...attacking him, Azrael will have to deal with a three way threat." Gendo almost smiled. "This shall be interesting."

  


"Hey, uh, Pilot Ikari? Can you hear me?"

Shinji turned up the gain on his radio. "I can hear you. Is this Keiichi?"

"Yeah. I'm about a block from NERV headquarters. I can see that Asuka girl. She's still holding onto Azrael, but he doesn't seem to be paying her much attention."

"Asuka? This is Shinji. Are you okay?"

"I'm being dragged by a big ugly angel down a street with both my legs blown off! How do you _think_ I'm doing, baka!"

Misato's voice crackled into their headphones. "Okay, listen up, you three. Asuka, I'm going to need you to make it slow down a little more here when I give the word–"

"How do I do that? Call him a dummkopf?" Asuka complained.

"You're the one with the college degree; figure something out!" Misato snapped. "Once she's slowed down Azrael, Keiichi, you nail him with...uh..."

"Rocket Punch!" Skuld yelled over the radio.

"Uh...yeah. That should stop him. Shinji, you go in and stab him with your Prog Knife. Aim for his heart. When Rei attacked him, he seemed to go to great lengths to protect it. That should do it."

"What happens if it doesn't?" Shinji asked.

"It better, because if it doesn't, we're screwed." Misato paused. "Shinji, Azrael should be passing your position about...now."

Shinji had hidden EVA-01 in the shadow of one of Tokyo-3's tallest buildings. NERV projected the view from Asuka's EVA into a window on his viewscreen. When he saw his building go by and disappear to Asuka's right, he carefully crept into position, readying the Progressive Knife.

"Okay, Asuka, do your worst!" Misato ordered.

Asuka tried two things in quick succession. First, she tried to twist Azrael's ankle off. The shadows sinously moved past her hands, and she had to scramble for another handhold. The angel seemed to be simply ignoring her. Second, she rammed the EVA's head into its ankle, but that had no effect either, other than to increase Asuka's already throbbing headache.

"Asuka, hurry up, dammit!" Misato yelled.

Asuka grit her teeth and went for the last best move. Releasing one hand from Azrael's ankle, she put all EVA-02's strength into one punch. She struck Azrael in square in the groin. The angel stopped and gave off an unearthly groan, gripping itself and almost sagging to its knees.

"Hey, it worked," Asuka said. "What do you know." She turned on her external speakers. "Payback's a bitch, Azrael, and so am I!"

Keiichi lurched around a corner, Banpei staggering drunkenly. It was not just like riding a motorcycle, as most motorcycles were not thirty feet high with magical-but-squirrely microprocessors and poor center of balance. It was all Keiichi could do to stay upright. Asuka didn't help by bursting out into peals of helpless laughter.

"Ungrateful load," Keiichi mumbled under his breath. "I feel like I'm in an episode of Gekiganger. Well, here goes." He took a deep breath. "ROCKET...PUNCH!"

A press of a button, and Banpei's left fist, true to its name, rocketed off the robot's fist. It roared down the street at supersonic speeds and hit Azrael full on the chest. As the fist returned to Banpei, Azrael fell backwards, sailing over EVA-02 to land in a heap in the street. Shinji rolled around the side of the building, and before Azrael could react, stabbed downwards with all his might. The knife went through the shadowy skin with only slight resistance and tore into the pavement below. Azrael shuddered once and was still. "I got him!" Shinji yelled. Since angels almost invariably exploded, he scuttled back quickly.

Nothing happened. Then, in horror, Shinji watched as the knife, still imbedded in Azrael, suddenly sunk deeper into the angel's chest until the hilt disappeared. Azrael slowly stood, and though there was a hint of discoloration on its chest, it did not seem to be otherwise hit. "I didn't get him," Shinji said. 

"Stab him again, Shinji!" Asuka yelled. She tossed her EVA's own knife towards him. "And make sure you hit this time!"

"I hit last time!" Shinji stooped EVA-01 and caught the knife. Azrael finally turned and delivered a savage kick to EVA-02. Asuka spun around crazily and careened through the front of a business building. "Asuka!" Shinji screamed in alarm. "Are you okay?"

"Here at KERV, we only play solid rock!" Asuka giggled and passed out.

At this point, Keiichi would have been wise to stand back and let the experts at angel fighting handle it. Azrael had taken Asuka out of the fight, but was itself staggering, and Shinji had an opportunity. Unfortunately, Keiichi, acting with the purest intentions, attacked. "HURRICANE HAT!" Banpei swiftly took off its flared helmet and threw it like a frisbee at Azrael. The angel ducked and the hat sailed merrily on to catch EVA-01 in the head. The EVA fell like an unstrung puppet to the ground. "Uhh...oops."

Azrael looked at the fallen EVAs and then turned and began walking towards Keiichi and Banpei. Keiichi was going hoarse, shouting as he fired off both Rocket Punches and God Arrows, but Azrael simply absorbed the shots. "I think I'm in trouble," Keiichi said. "Er...help?"

  


Belldandy stared at the monitors in horror. The plan had failed, and Keiichi would die. They all would die. Tears escaped the corners of her eyes. _Oh, please, Kami-sama,_ _it can't end this way..._A hand fell on her shoulder. She looked down at saw Washu. The diminutive scientist returned her gaze unflinchingly. "Oh, Washu," she sniffed. "Keiichi is strong of heart, but he can't stop Azrael."

"I know. Between the three of them, they had a chance. A very low chance, but we had to try." 

"Then this...this is the end."

"No." Washu's eyes turned steely. "Peorth told me about you once. Of all the goddesses, you are the most pure. Kami-sama trusts you. _You_ have the power, Belldandy."

Belldandy's mouth dropped in shock, and then the import of Washu's words hit her. She closed her mouth, wiped away her tears, and nodded. "Then I know what I must do." 

  


[WILL Azrael triumph? WILL Belldandy sacrifice all? WHAT will happen to our heroes? Log on next time for...the FINAL CHAPTER. Dum dum dum.]

[And I promise I will have the new chapter up in a week. Really!]


	6. The Beast That Shouted Oops at the Cente...

[Okay, this is the final chapter. Really! I mean it this time!]

  
  


Gendo shook his head and looked at Futsuyuki. "Seal off NERV. That may buy enough time for the EVAs to recover." He knew that was fruitless; Azrael would simply ooze around any barriers. Unlike the others in NERV, Gendo and Futsuyuki knew exactly what the angel was after.

Washu rushed into the control room. "Hold on! I think I can cause a space-time inversion that'll get him!"

Ritsuko sighed. "What's the point, Washu? We can't stop death. No one can." She sagged into a chair. "We always knew something like this could happen."

Washu stomped her foot. "Well, we can't just throw in the towel now!"

Skuld looked around frantically. "Has anyone seen my sister?"

Misato ripped open the top of a Yebisu. "If I'm gonna die, I'm not going to glory sober." She tipped the can back. "Your sister's standing outside, kid. She went to go save her boyfriend."

Skuld bent over the monitor. "We can't give up."

"That goddess is our last hope." Skuld looked over and saw Gendo standing next to her. He pushed up his glasses. "We're trusting an angel to defeat one."

  


Azrael, despite Keiichi's best efforts, strode slowly towards NERV. With only slightly slower reflexes–and still faster than Keiichi–the angel reached forward and gripped Banpei's head. The angel's grin began to widen as its hand tightened around the robot.

"AZRAEL!"

The angel did not turn, but its eyes slid across the black mass that was its skull. Belldandy stood in front of NERV's main entrance. She raised her arms and turned slowly in place. Her clothes were transformed from her normal attire to a dazzling, royal blue plate armor. When she opened her eyes, they glowed with righteous fury. 

"You may be an angel, or you may be a demon in this world," she said, her words reverberating on the surrounding buildings. "Now face one who is your equal."

"Belldandy! Get away! Get out of here!" Keiichi shouted over the loudspeakers. Banpei's arms feebly pushed at Azrael. Tendrils curled around the giant robot and held it fast, while the main mass of the angel's body turned to face Belldandy. "For heaven's sake, run!"

"For heaven's sake, I'm staying," Belldandy replied softly, though she knew Keiichi could not hear her. She looked into the angel of death's eyes and saw only darkness. Despite herself, fear rose up in her throat. _The Azrael I know hates what he must do,_ she thought. _This can't be him. This thing is insane. It only wants to destroy..._

And suddenly Belldandy knew how to defeat Azrael.

She closed her eyes, her feet leaving the ground as she floated in place. She shut herself off to Keiichi's yells, to the whooping of the alarms from NERV's entrance, from the distant crash of masonry. She could sense Azrael coming closer, the stench of death itself wafting over her, the air turning noticeably colder. She knew the angel was reaching for her, and that it could snuff out even her immortal life. She could feel the alarm from her sisters, Skuld's terrified voice shouting in her mind, Urd's disjointed, and feeble thoughts. Belldandy knew she had to even shut those out. Instead, she concentrated solely on the image of Keiichi Morisato.

She remembered the first time she had met him, the very confused boy seeing her materalize out of his dorm room mirror. She remembered tending him through his fever, of watching that first sunset with him, the day at the beach when they had first kissed, when he had nearly worked himself to death to give her a ring, how he had risked his own life to give her that ring when Kami-sama had nearly called her home. She let that feeling flow through her body and felt her connection to Yggdrasil return. She smiled beatifically and raised her face towards the heavens, her eyes still closed.

  


The crowd gathered in front of the monitors inside NERV was silent. No one dared to talk. They could see the amphrous blob of blackness that was Azrael reaching forward towards the tiny, blue figure that stood between him and NERV's main entrance. Even when Belldandy began to softly glow, it seemed pitifully small compared to Azrael.

Skuld's hands were clenched so tightly that her knuckles were bone white. The three technicians gripped the arms of their chairs tightly. Misato's beer can was being slowly crumpled, though the major took no notice. Only Gendo and Washu looked calm.

Suddenly Belldandy threw her arms wide as Azrael's hand began to close around her, and her glow became more radiant. Skuld knew what was going to happen. "Don't look!" she yelled, though it was a little late for that. 

The image disappeared as NERV's cameras were overloaded with white light. Even MAGI's internal dampeners could not compensate, and everyone in the control room instinctively threw arms across their eyes to ward off the light. 

All except Gendo Ikari. He only smiled. "Let there be light."

And there was. 

  


Above Tokyo-3, the skies opened and a single white cone of light, brighter than a nuclear flash, so bright that it registered even on instruments on Earth's nightside, flashed down, centered on Belldandy. The white cone expanded until it covered virtually the entire city. Yet there was no boom of an explosion, no shockwave that demolished buildings. It was entirely silent.

In the face of such light, darkness stood no chance. Azrael drew back at the first sign of it, but there was nowhere to run. The angel was not torn apart or blown up. It simply ceased to exist, vanishing under the onslaught of light.

The light expanded, then contracted back into its cone, then into a single thin line centered on the mark on Belldandy's forehead. Then that too faded, and she gently returned to the ground, still smiling. She staggered a little, then fell to her knees.

Keiichi was out of Banpei and down to the ground in what was possibly the fastest action of his life. He reached Belldandy's side. "Belldandy! Are you okay?"

Her smile remained, but it turned sleepy. "Are you?"

"Yeah." He cradled her, resting her head on his lap.

"I'm a little tired. Think I'll sleep a little." Her eyelids fluttered and then closed. Alarmed, Keiichi quickly checked her pulse. It was steady; Belldandy was simply asleep. He hugged her close, not afraid for anyone to see him cry.

  


The sun was setting on Tokyo-3, and the party in Misato's apartment was going full swing. Misato was happily getting drunk, but for once she did not drink alone; Urd was well on the way as well, and even the normally reserved Ritsuko was tipping back more than a few. Despite Asuka's insistence that she was German, and therefore had been drinking since she was five, she was allowed only one beer, which she promptly declared to be far inferior to Loewenbrau. Washu and Skuld were too engrossed in redesigning Banpei to be a far more effective angel fighter to do much drinking. Rei and Maya were also not partaking, busily discussing the merits of Tuxedo Mask. Makoto and Shigeru were also interested, though they acted as if they were not. Gendo and Futsuyuki had not attended, with too much cleaning up to do at NERV.

Belldandy had slept for a few hours, then awoke refreshed. She too did not drink, nor had she since a rather embarassing incident that had literally left her and Keiichi stuck together for a whole day. Keiichi and Shinji washed the dishes, having lost the toss, neither aware that Urd had used a double-headed coin.

Belldandy went out to the balcony to watch the sunset. To her surprise, she was joined by Shinji. "Keiichi's in the bathroom," he quickly explained. "He'll be out in a few minutes."

She nodded, sensing Shinji's nervousness. "You don't have to explain your presence to me, Shinji-san. I'm honored to watch the sunset with someone who is so brave."

"Me?" Shinji looked shocked. "You defeated Azrael, not me."

"That may be true, but I wasn't the one who has defeated all the others up to this point." She paused. "Or those that will come after Azrael."

Shinji let out a long breath. "You're not staying, then," he said at length.

"We can't, Shinji-san. The longer we stay, the more problems that could happen. Keiichi and my sisters and I don't belong here. Neither does Washu. Sooner or later, reality won't be able to compensate for us." She remembered the bugs that had so nearly separated her and Keiichi. "I don't like it, but we have to leave. Washu will help us."

"I wish you could stay," Shinji sighed.

Belldandy softly laughed. "I already had someone ask me that. Besides," she smiled, "it's obvious that you're waiting for someone else." As if on cue, there was a loud sneeze from inside followed by a distinct German oath. 

"W-well, I, uh, didn't mean it like that."

"I know." She put a hand on Shinji's shoulder. "Shinji-san, there will be things that will happen in the future. Some good, and some bad. I don't know what they are; there are limits to even what I can do. But I can sense that you will be part of it. There are great and wonderful things in store for you, Shinji Ikari." Belldandy could sense that there might be a lot of pain in this young man's future as well, but now was not the time for that.

Shinji shyly returned her smile. "I-I sure hope so." He returned to staring at the sunset. It was quiet for a minute, the he asked, "So how did you defeat Azrael? I mean, I understand the whole light thing, but..."

Belldandy cradled her head in her hands, smelling the sea breeze. "I didn't realize it until it attacked Keiichi. Azrael, at least that one, was a creature made up of darkness. We hated it when we attacked it, and it drew strength from that hate."

Shinji's mouth dropped open. "You mean...you defeated it by _love?_"

"Not for Azrael, no. My love for Keiichi. I did not attack Azrael; I simply called on the light and not the dark. Give light, and darkness will go on its own."

Shinji sighed. He wondered if anyone could ever love him like that, ever. He looked down at the street, but his head jerked up when he felt gentle, feminine lips on his cheek. He turned to Belldandy, who winked at him. "Someday you will, Shinji."

"Someday I...oh."

Keiichi called out her name, and Belldandy turned to go back in. "Oh, Shinji! I almost forgot." She clasped her hands together. "I realize there was misunderstanding at the beginning, but part of what happened was kind of our fault, my sisters and I. We'd like to make up for it."

"You don't have to do that."

"No, but we're going to." Belldandy's smile seemed to envelop the whole apartment. "So what do you wish for, Shinji?"

* * *

  


EPILOGUE: EVANGELION

  


Shinji Ikari walked down the catwalk, heading for the changing room, wanting to be out of the plugsuit as soon as possible. No matter how hard he tried, he still hated the smell of LCL. He also wanted to get back to Misato's apartment as soon as he could; there was homework due the next day.

Ahead of him he spotted his father. The usual mixture of anger and fear welled up inside him at the sight of Gendo Ikari, the same feelings of betrayal. Gendo was walking towards him, engrossed in a folder. _How typical,_ Shinji thought angrily, _doesn't even know I'm here..._

They had drawn even with each other when Gendo spoke. "Shinji."

Shinji stopped: his father had referred to him by his first name, not as Pilot Ikari, and his voice actually carried with it a hint of affection. "Father," he replied warily.

Gendo took another step, then turned and faced his son. "Shinji, you did well."

Shinji's eyes widened. "But it...it was only a test to see how EVA-01's repairs were holding up a-after Azrael–"

"I know. But I was not referring to today's test. I was referring to..." Gendo paused. He seemed almost embarrassed, and looked down at his shoes in a very Shinji-like way. "I was referring to all of it." 

Shinji was shocked, and then remembered Belldandy. "Er...well...Uh...

Father and son stood there frozen for a moment, then Gendo began walking away. "Keep it up," he said, a shade too quickly. Shinji did not try to stop him, or to answer him. For now, it was enough. 

Gendo opened the folder, wondering why he had suddenly felt the desire to praise his son. The truth was, except for Rei, only Shinji had fought the angels longer, and he had not only survived, but was getting better. There was no margin for error in NERV's war against the angels, but Shinji had given them one thing they had lacked for so long: hope. Gendo stopped, nearly went back to tell Shinji more, but decided against it. It sounded too forced, and it would probably be better not to. There was still a lot of work to be done, and he had to be careful not to open up too much. Shinji would understand someday. The end would justify the means.

Gendo looked up into the face of EVA-01. "Soon," he said, feeling the eyes upon him. "Soon we'll be together again. You'd be proud of him, Yui."

Gendo opened the folder. No one was around, so he allowed the emotion to surface. If anyone had seen him, they would have probably died from shock. He was nearly in tears.

Inside was a photograph. It was of a young scientist and his bride, an intense young man far too dedicated to the work that would one day consume him, and beside him was a woman nearly as equally committed. She was the only one who had ever accepted Gendo Ikari completely, without reservation. The photograph had been lost in Second Impact.

But wishes sometimes came true.

"Urd..." Gendo chuckled. "No one's made me laugh like that in years. I almost gave in." He hurriedly looked up. "But I wouldn't have, of course." The holding tank had given one, dangerous rumble. He held up the photograph to the light. "This will do, for now."

"Commander Ikari?"

Gendo replaced the photo inside the folder and turned around. "Yes, what is it, Rei?"

"I was wondering if you could answer a question for me, sir."

"Of course, Rei."

She looked thoughftul for a moment. "What is a ctarl-ctarl?"

  


"HA! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Maya Ibuki nearly jumped out of her seat. The sudden peal of rather demented laughter had come from Dr. Akagi's office. She quickly scampered over and knocked softly on the closed door. "Sempai?"

The door flew open, and before Maya could react, Ritsuko swept her up into a crushing hug. "Oh, _hello,_ Maya-san! It's _so_ good to see you!"

"Urk," Maya replied, having trouble breathing.

"It's a wonderful day!" Noticing that Shigeru was staring at her very strangely. "Ah, Shigeru, my friend! How are you today?"

"Umm...I'm...doing...just fine, Dr. Akagi..." He was backing away as respectfully as possible, but Ritsuko was advancing on him, dragging a now somewhat bluish Maya with her. It was obvious that Ritsuko intended on hugging him, as well. 

Makoto, coming back from a break, nearly dropped his soda. He quietly sneaked into Akagi's office. The lights were off, but the computer screen was on. "My God..." Makoto breathed. "She did it. She actually did it." He peered closer to the screen. "She beat Battle Cry."

"Oh, Makoto! You too must share in this wonderful thing!"

Makoto turned in horror as Ritsuko came after him, now dragging two technicians in either arm.

  


"I'm home!" Shinji called out, hanging up his raincoat. 

"Hey," Misato called out. She sat sprawled in a chair, watching the television from the dining room. Pen-Pen sat across from her. Both had a can of Yebisu Dry in front of them. "How'd the test go?"

"It went–" He almost said fine, but then he remembered his father. "It went great, Misato. Just...great."

She raised an eyebrow, then decided against saying something. "Well, better get on that homework. I saved some pizza for you."

Shinji was in too good of a mood to let homework bother him. "Sure. Uh, where's Asuka? I was sure she got home before I did..."

"She said she was tired and went to bed. I don't blame her; Ritsuko had her doing synch tests and other stuff all day today, testing out the new legs on 02."

"Oh...okay." Shinji walked into his room and shut the door to change. Misato watched the door for a moment, then looked at Asuka's. "Kids. God, was I ever that young?"

"Wark."

Misato tipped her beer at the penguin. "Now don't _you_ start." Then she grinned, got up, and opened the refrigerator. She sighed lovingly, took out another beer, and set it on the counter, then shut the door. The refrigerator hummed and made a clunking sound for a moment, then Misato opened the door once more. The beer she had taken out had been instantly replaced.

"Skuld, I think I love you."

"Wark," Pen-Pen sighed. But then he reconsidered. The boozehound had a point. After all, he was not likely to run out of fresh fish ever again.

  


In her room, Asuka Langely Soryu was curled up in her sheets, sleeping blissfully after a hard day at NERV. Her dreams were quiescent and happy, dreaming less of the tragic death of her mother and more these days of a certain Third Child, though she would not have admitted it under torture. 

The main reason for her improved sleeping patterns was the teddy bear clutched to her chest. It was black, with sad eyes but a big grin, a grizzly bear–Asuka's _brummbaer._ Belldandy had been a little surprised when she had asked for it, but saw in it a perfect solution to a problem.

For Azrael had not been competely destroyed. The light had merely dissolved its corporeal form, and there was the chance that it could reform. So Belldandy had arranged for the angel to pay penance by being put into this form. 

Azrael the Teddy Bear, clasped tightly to Asuka's breasts, decided that this wasn't such a bad idea after all.

* * *

  


EPILOGUE: GODDESS

  


"Some watermelon, Keiichi?"

Keiichi looked up into Belldandy's face. "Sure! Thanks." He took the offered slice as Belldandy sat down next to him on the veranda. The sunset was as beautiful as usual, but not as beautiful as the woman who sat beside him.

"I thought I was going to lose her," he said quietly.

"But you didn't lose me," Belldandy replied. "We have a contract, remember?"

Keiichi leaned over and kissed her, with a boldness he had not had before she had been pulled into another universe. He kissed her on the cheek, but then Belldandy surprised them both by turning at just the right moment so their lips came in contact. Before, he might have drawn back in fear, but now Keiichi was determined never to take her presence for granted again. He _had_ nearly lost her, three times now.

They broke the kiss for a moment. "Is that all we have?" he asked, smiling.

"You know it isn't," she smiled back, and kissed him again. Somewhat intoxicated by the mere fact of being home again and being alive after facing an angel of death, Keiichi moved closer to her. The kiss deepened, and Belldandy felt herself falling backward, Keiichi on top, but didn't care. _Let it happen_, she told herself, _I love him._

"WHAAAAT?!" Skuld's strangled shout obliterated the moment with all the effectiveness of a wave-motion cannon. Keiichi quickly looked up, but no Skuld stood over them, hammer in hand. Instead, she was stalking out of the house, not even noticing Belldandy and Keiichi.

"Get back here!" Urd yelled. "You owe me 500 yen!"

Skuld whirled on her older sister. "You cheated!"

"Oh, and how did I do _that?"_ Urd cackled. "C'mon, kid, the Bucs won fair and square. I had nothing to do with it." Urd's eyes narrowed. "Though, that last quarter rally by Oakland was a little suspect, eh, Skuld?"

"Oh, now you're accusing me, huh? Well, I'll fix _you_, Urd! I'm going to my room, and when I come back, I'm gonna have something for you!"

"I'm sooo scared, kiddo! I'll be waiting for you, _loser!"_

Keiichi rolled over and rested his head on the deck. "Of course, they would start to fight..."

Belldandy touched Keiichi's nose. "Don't worry, Kei-chan. It won't take too long to clean up the mess...and we still have tonight."

Keiichi turned bright red.

  


EPILOGUE: WASHU

  


Washu held up the control orb of the Space-Time Machine. "Finished!" She set it down carefully on her work table. "A work well done as always, Washu. You never cease to stop amazing me!" She walked over to another worktable and unrolled a group of blueprints. "No rest for the weary or the wicked. I want to get this started before Love Hina comes on tonight." Her eyes lit up. "I can't wait to see Tenchi in a plugsuit!"

As if on cue, she could hear Tenchi's voice through the slightly ajar door to her worklab. "Now, girls, just calm down–"

"_What_ did you call me, you foul piece of interstellar flotsam!" 

"What, you don't understand Japanese, Ayeka? I thought you princesses of Jurai knew everything. Well, I think I called you a flat-chested, stuck-up, overpaid, underhormoned–"

The end of the statement was interrupted by a titanic explosion, followed by the crack of shattering wood as Ryoko was blasted through the door. She sailed across the room and smashed into Washu's worktable. "Aaaagh!" Washu yelled. She picked up a slightly woozy space pirate and shoved her back towards the door. "Out! Out! Out! Get back into play!"

"You gotta cut me, Mick!" Ryoko staggered and toppled Washu over when she fell backwards.

Behind them, the control orb, having fallen to the floor of the lab, sparked.

  


"This is just great. Just when I had my hands almost on that sweet little bounty!"

"You?" The older man chuckled. "I think you mean we."

"Oh, stuff it, Jet." The woman looked around. "Say...did we take a wrong turn somewhere? This doesn't look like Mars anymore."

A younger man lit a cigarette and held up a match to a sign. "'Welcome to Tokyo-3. God is in His Heaven, and you are here.'" He looked at the rest of the sign. "NERV? What the hell is NERV?"

"Oooh, fig leaf!" A scrawny, almost emaciated young girl hopped up and down next to the young man. "Ed likes fig leaves." She bent down. "Does Ein like that Ed likes fig leaves?" And promptly, the girl began walking on her hands. "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give us something good to eat..."

  
  


[And so the story ends. Thanks to everyone who reviewed this and stayed with it! We'll have to do it again soon!]


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